Special Occasions and Robots

It was a little over two years ago when I was going through my very very bad time with the thinking and the depression and the unexplained anger and the disappointment with the universe around me. I would be on stumbleupon for hours at a time. I literally watched three to four movies a night. No classes. no nothing. lived off of a soup and a roll. maybe bathed once every other day. But I can't verify any of that because those days, weeks, month, MONTHS all blur together into a flurry of WSJ, stumbleupon, movies, sleep, pinterest, NYtimes, emails, food, facebook, stumbleupon, movies, sleep, stumbleupon, movies, and then some.

That was very much so a downward spiral if I have ever been in one. I think I smelled. is that the right verbiage? i was smelly. yeah...........

For about a week near the tail end of that miserable time, I had the mindset of "you silly bitch it's time to get out of this smelly rotting hole of nothingness" but not the energy or the imagination to think of how to do it. When i am fully with myself there is not a situation i can't think of a way to make better, but when i'm struggling you've never seen a more defeatist attitude than mine. It's childish I know... and i work on it every time i come out of a phase of struggle so that next time it takes less and less life out of me to get over myself. What finally got me out of that particular instance was a picture i "stumbled upon" hehe :)

It said: "wake up every morning with the thought that something awesome is about to happen."

I know. I scoff at those ridiculous "inspiration" quote pictures too. Suddenly every beautiful landscape photo needs to be plastered with some pithy saying or heart melting observation in obscure fontage. But I gotta say... if for every million of those that are passed over just one of them affects someone else as much as that single image did me two years ago... maybe those instagramming/quote hording/reposting whores are doing it right!

In all seriousness though, one day I stumbled on that picture at 5 in the morning after a night of watching a series of animated films and thought to myself "I could do that. I could wake up and believe that something awesome will happen that day." So I did. Right after I slept the rest of that particular day away. The next morning, I woke up, dressed up, and showed up to life and found myself searching every street corner, every stranger's face, every building entrance for a sign of this potential "awesome" that would be showing up that day. And I did that for weeks. And it worked.

At least for a while. In the two years i've had several more ups and downs. My most recent one still in the process of fading its fat ass out of my life. This time around I was very affected by two quotes:

"Don't save things for a special occasion. Today is special enough."
"No matter how you feel, get up, dress up, and show up."

They go hand in hand in the context of how they affect me at this moment in time which is one of indifference to my physical appearance owing to my prolonged phase of indifference to life. I have all these clothes that I keep stored away and never wear because i'm not physically where i want to be to wear them. Then i've got all this jewelry that i don't put on because they're too flashy for everyday wear. Then i've got all these heels i never wear because they're too whatever. and these bags i don't use because.. etc. etc. etc. and then there go my twenties. And in my thirties all of these things will be too "young" for me or too "cheap" for me or blahty blah blah blah. You know where I'm going with this. On top of all of that settling for mediocrity despite the very available "something specials" i've got all over my room, i also have been slacking on life as i've stated numerous times this post. So. Combine the two quotes and these next few however-long-i-can-keep-it-going weeks or months will see me dressing in all of the things i want to wear. and most importantly, showing up to life. And it'll be great. I know it will because right now the soundtrack to SooJangles' life is:

Dan Mangan's "Robots"



And because robots need love too.