Happiness #1 : Unexpectation

Today, I have learned the power of unexpectation.  Not a word you say?  Ah, you have much to learn I see, for everyone has surely entered the state of unexpectation.

Unexpectation is the state of believing that you no longer have any expectations of anybody anymore.  That sounds super negative, so how is this a post of "happiness??" you ask.  Today, I have learned that unexpectation is nothing but a hidden gift.  Only when you are full of unexpectation can you truly see the worth of those who shine through and restore your trust in humanity.

In the past few weeks, I have slowly, and sometimes explosively, lost faith in many of those I believed to matter to me.  Matter not in the sense that they are essential to my life, but matter because the reciprocal relationship that they and I share is essential to my happiness.  I have become forced to realize that so many of the relationships in which I have surrounded myself were only functional because I placed my trust in others somewhat misguidedly.  I believed that I was happily giving my energy and compassion to those who would happily return the favor had I ever cause to need them.  From this belief came my sense of invincibility when it came to my friendships.  Again, I was misguided in placing my trust.

The reality has set in that many of the relationships were sustainable because I never needed the others; they are actually unable to step out of their own problems and take the role of the listener for a change.  In my past, this realization would eventually hit with many of the people in my life and I would proceed to cut them out of it.  I regarded them as a cancerous presence and completely poisonous to my well-being.  The anger would overwhelm me and my feelings toward them would eventually drift into a sleeping bitterness that only arose when pried awake by an inquisitive prod.

I am happy to report that I no longer deal with these people in that fashion- or so I like to believe.  Now when disillusion finally hits, as it always must, I let the anger subside into indifference because I don't want them to change; frankly, I don't care.  It has absolutely no effect on the reality that I no longer trust them to matter in my life whether they change or not.  Who am I to demand any more?  So instead, I demand that I do not give them the energy to care.  The result is that I do not feel betrayed and deceived anymore.  But strangely enough, when I withdraw my unrequited interest in their lives, many of these people feel betrayed by me, with good reason I admit.  For, from their perspective, they have not changed anything about themselves and yet I have become withdrawn and distanced.  What kind of horrible friend am I anyway?  I completely understand the confusion, but the truth is, by that point I have little to zero will or desire to care...

Now back to "unexpectation."  In my mental frame of unexpectation, I have been hit with a sort of cannonball from another dimension, literally making me think "What the f#*@ is going on?!"  Two very unexpected people have unwittingly risen to the occasion and have given me reason to pause before dotting the i's and crossing the t's on my write-off of the rest of humanity.  Yes.  It's pretty dramatic, and possibly life-altering.

Because of the misery and pessimistic hate that inevitably comes along with "Unexpectation," the discovery of trustworthy people have changed everything.  I have found two rare people who now have my trust until I am comatose or no longer alive.  Yes, they will disappoint me some time.  Yes, they will piss me off beyond sanity.  No, they are not perfect nor angelic. But all of this can be forgiven because they have proven to be human beyond self-centered consciousness.  These people deserve the respect that comes from expectation, the honor that comes from expectation, and the unmeasurable gratitude for coming through for somebody in a moment that could have changed the very nature of their being.

Today, I am happy because I know there are people out there who deserve my trust, energy and compassion.