It's frustrating when your cat is just so much cleverer than you. With my puppy it's like AWW how cute this and ISN'T HE JUST THE SWEETEST that and whatnot. with this cat of mine...
grrrrrrrrrrrrrr.
he's too stinking smart. he can open all of my doors no problem as long as they're not latched completely. he can open my counter oven door. all he needed was that ONE time i stored something in there for safe-keeping and he could smell it and then he got it and now he makes it daily practice to check if there's anything in there.
new plan. i'm gonna leash the sucker. when i'm cooking or eating i'm gonna leash him so that he can't interfere. little bastard acts like he's never fed or like he doesn't steal my dog's food on the DAILY. poor dog... he's too stupid to know how much he's being bullied by this little terrorist.
plus i think he needs to go on walks. don't cats need walks?
last spring (two growing seasons ago now) i planted little artichoke seeds. yep. seeded the chokes from scratch baby. and three of them grew into beautiful spiky little seedlings. but i was stupid. oh so stupid. i thought you just plunk them in the ground and then that becomes their forever home....
beginner mistake: if the seed grows then doesn't that mean they're able to grow in this temp. region?
lesson learned: just cuz something germinates doesn't mean the plant is hardy to that zone.
Artichokes can grow in my zone (6-7)- no sweat. but to winter in my zone is another story. that's like hoping plumerias (native to tropical and subtropical regions) will be able to super-bulk up and bunker down for the heavy snow of the Pacific Northwest.... No, what will actually happen is they'll be thinking "WTF IS THIS COLD?! gaahhhhhhhhhhhh" {wither away.... die}.
poor plumeria... they're sooooo pretty!
from wikimedia
though artichokes are not that sensitive to cold, there does need to a be a LITTLE bit of coddling to make sure these little guys grow up to be the big strong edible flowers they need to be.
I totally just made up that word. I hate flalads. Flat salads.
You know what i'm talking about. You go to a nice restaurant and you order a starter salad. Out comes this massive plate and it's got like ONE LAYER OF MIXED GREENS laying flat on the plate in a GORGEOUS display of completely non-forkable fiber. ARLKAJ;ELRJAW;OEUIRASDF
Pinterest is guilty as well though slightly less offensive because I don't have to somehow scrape them off the plate and figure out how to chew a leaf in the singular.
But they make me SO angry!! i'm all about the GIANT BOWLS. i want it PILED HIGH! all the toppings and fix-ins i want it bulky dammit!! a skinny leaf laying thinly on a plate will not make me skinny or thin. none of that transfers. so load it up you salad-nazis!!
I WANTS ITTTTTT~~
I NEEEDS IT!!!!
yeah ok my photoshop skillz need something too... maybe a giant SALAD would help!
see how super skinny gollum looks? see that giant bowl of salad he's holding? i think there might be a connection here. maybe.
Am I even capable of doing something for one full year? Other than my job, I find that it's hard to find something I've done almost every single day for a full year... at any point in my life.
I'm not sure if this is a good thing or a bad thing the for some reason this realization saddens me. Perhaps for someone who is very ritualistic doing something for a full year is normalcy and nothing to think twice about. For myself.... I think every one of my plans to "do (_____) every day for (___) days" falls into obscurity within two weeks.. maybe three. I juiced for two and a half months actually every morning at 5! Commendable I'd say! Incredible! Magnificent! But two and a half months is no full year.
What to do what to do...
What can I challenge myself with to do for one full year?
Something that doesn't require getting changed. Something that doesn't require external equipment- or at least BIG equipment... Something that I can do on the spot where ever I am at the drop of a hat... It can't require that I do it at the same time every day. Preferably it's something that will make me skinnier. but that last one's a "preferably" hehehehe...
OOOOOOOHHHHHHHHH!
you know what I do everyday? I check my (lack of) money everyday! Can that be a thing? No, that's definitely not a thing....
Maybe I'll start drinking water. That's something I've tried to do again and again...
I'll start drinking x amount of water every day. AND ideally that'll make me SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO skinny! hehehehehe!
Actually this post isn't as depressing as I realize the title makes it seem. I inherited someone else's "problem" that is actually going to be my main source of sustenance come next year!
Back story:
A friend of mine who is a sweetheart of the utmost sweetheart kind... recently went through a break up. She was horrible, he was naive. She was demanding, he stopped yielding. He bought her a house, she....
He bought her a house. a beat up little house. on a GORGEOUS property...
How adorable is this idea:
"Hey darling- you're my forever. So i'm gonna buy us a house where you can raise your horses and i'll take care of the yard and you can garden and we'll fix up the house and...."
This is absolutely DARLING. I dream of this kind of thing. (When did i become such a homemaker?! i wish i knew!)
But here's how that ended:
(horrible response):
"You want me to take care of the garden? That is so sexist! I can drive a tractor too! I can ride the mower just like you. Don't worry I'll do everything for my horses on my own- I'm not some stupid girl. I'm independent and I can do everything myself. And how come your friends are always around? This is our house not theirs. I don't feel like cleaning and I'm not the only one making the mess anyway. No, I'll cook when I want to because I shouldn't have to make you food."
And then she left. After two years together and only 4 months living in this new our house of theirs. Mind you...
he cooked for her all the time.
And cleaned all the time.
And yes, he opened up the extra rooms in exterior buildings to his friends who need a bit of help to get financially stable so they were always around... the property
And paid all of the bills himself.
And put of the fence for her horses which she vehemently argued that she could- and WILL GODDAMMIT- herself.
And..
and...
He drank a lot. She demanded he stop and he decided no. because it's not like yielding to everything she demanded made her any happier.
How any of this matters:
A few months later.........
I go over to this gorgeous property. It's being invaded by weeds as tall as yours truly.
"Friend. I LOVE this property- and you said you bought this for HER? and she LEFT?! she's an idiot. I'm sorry... that was mean. She's an idiot. I'm sorry."
"No it's ok. I'm starting to get over it... I've defended her long enough and while I get where she's coming from with a lot of things, I'm having a harder time seeing only the good things like before."
"Good!! because she's an idiot. Because that GARDEN!! holy shit that garden is AMAZEBALLS! did you guys build it?!"
"Well... the previous owners had it and she was supposed to take care of it......"
"ah... so that's why it looks like shit. it looks like shit. no seriously. it's horrible. (point at weed that is a foot taller than I am) that's not a vegetable..... like.. that's not a 'flourishing' edible. btws."
"yeah........ i didn't know that. I don't know what any of this is... except!! I have blackberries! i know that! and grapes!!!! look at these grapes!! well let me find.. some........ ok well there are SUPPOSED to be grapes. i think."
"YOU HAVE GRAPES!! these vines are GLORIOUS!! and thornless blackberries?!!?! STFU!! and ooooooooooooooooo these were strawberries!! and .... woah. what... in god's name happened to your rhubarb...?"
"I thought those were weeds.... so i cut them up..."
So i've confiscated politely offered to take over his garden. He said I could have it and the plans are WHIRLING because now, suddenly, I've got a HUGE beautifully mulched, super sunny chunk of land to grow everything I've ever wanted!! And the water pressure. ooo baby the water pressure. it's a grand old thing to live in the country on TONS of property.... truly it is.
All of those plans that I had for my garden last year and the year before will come into fruition next spring. Because I am weeding the garden right now with every bit of energy that i have.... and beer.
Who doesn't sing this song during at least one dismal time in their life?
Well for me it seems to be the recurring soundtrack for every aspect and time in my life. Woes. and more woes. I can't say I can be bothered with it to really be sad or upset about it but i certainly feel constraints that are uncomfortable very very often. i'm not starving, i'm not cold and miserable (well i am cold and miserable but that is because i work in an office with people who have no sense of feeling and think that air conditioning must bring the office to winter temperatures at all times), i have clothes, and my basic necessities are met. Please be aware, that i am aware, and there is just lots of awareness all around, that my "woes" are not that serious.
but you know what IS serious??
my loans.
My very large loans.
Soooooo many loans.
WHO GAVE ME THIS MUCH MONEY!?
seriously. it's serious.
my new goal is to budget for real.
FER reals.
i'm like everyone. I budget all the time....
"budget" you know?
like-
"i can't spend so much money on eating out" (-$0)
"except for today because i promised so-and-so i'd meet up with them since 2 weeks ago" (-$30)
"but i'm SOOOOO hungry and there's nothing in the house" (-$20)
"i bet my mom would really like this, plus we said we'd try it forever ago.." (-$25)
"and then..." (-$15)
"and then..." (-$25)
"and theeeeeennnnnnnnnnnnn" (-$5)
NO AND THEN!!
NO AND THEN NO AND THEN!
NO MORE!
like kutcher, I went to the bank and was all "oh i'd like that please" and "yes, i'll take some of this too if i could"- what a dumb shit. meanwhile the bank is like "and then?..... and then?..... and thennnnnnnn?" start at 1:21 and this is how i feel when the bills just keep coming and coming at me with no end in sight gahhhhh!!!! well, still a dumb shit but at least i'm not ordering any more fortune cookies.
i feel like one of those "I've changed. I walk with Jesus now" people
it's the handiest thing i've had in a VERY long time.
i can't tell you everything about it except that it is ridiculously easy (though i'm working through a few quirks it has) and the best thing is that i can see all of the money in my life in one go.
ALL OF THE RED THAT IS~!! (from my loans... you know...)
but you can set goals and BUDGET and blahty blahty blah which is just starting to be offered by one of my banks and sucks at my other banks. Mint is easy to use and easy on the eyes... look at that cool mint green.... tehehehe.
no really, let's look at the sexy cool mint green logo one more time..
anyhow, that's what's up. with Mint in hand, and a mint mojito in my other hand (homemade of course with free ice, and free mint, and some serious bargain booze to fit inside my crisp new budget), i'm gonna be debt free in 38 years!!!!!!
you scoff at my 38 years but that is fantasmic compared to the 46... because that's how long it would take me to get rid of my debt otherwise... or some OTHER ridiculous number close to half a century... aka the rest of my active life.
But really though, it's less about the debt and more about how to maneuver a very fulfilling life without the unnecessary money leaks that seem to sprout up. everywhere. all. the. time.
So that's what i'm doin. Keeping myself in check.
and i think it's kind of working...
for a VERY minimal cost i've got:
1 gallon blueberry wine fermenting with frozen blueberries that were being wasted just sitting in the freezer.
($7) for gallon jug, airlock, yeast
1 gallon peach wine with this season's picked peaches brought to me by a dear friend
($6) for another gallon jug, siphon hose
2 gallons kombucha brewing with left over tea from my business
($3) for bottle of kombucha for starter SCOBY that i grew myself - for perspective, it costs anywhere between $11.99 from culturesforhealth.com to $24.88 from kombuchakamp.com or $26.97 on sale from $31.91 at getkombucha.com. One $3 bottle of brewed kombucha and two weeks of waiting later, i had a super rich and healthy SCOBY ready to mass produce some delish Booch.
1 gallon worth of kombucha bottled in assorted recycled glass bottles with various fruits grown by me and by local farmers, fermenting a second time to make it all a fizzy fruity bottle of probiotic goodness.
($0)
a wood box shelf in my room for extra storage
($0) pilfered from the side of a local restaurant in a pile for garbage
more wood to make shelving for storage around the house
($0) broken down pallets acquired for freeness from various places around town
solid wood two drawer night stand to be refurb-ed
($13) $8 for the night stand, $3 for half a gallon of oops paint from home depot, and $2 for the trim i'm going to use to jazz up the drawers.
what else what else what else?
What i figure is this.
the plan of action must be:
keep my head down,
keep my projects going,
keep being the recluse that i'm famous for being sometimes,
keep saying no to invitations out for beers and for this and for that and for what-have-yous all over town, and
keep my money on a tight leash with a pinch collar.
because my motorcycle isn't gonna just buy itself and come home to me :P
but no. my worms are not like this happy squiggler. I KILLED THEM!!!!!
more accurately, the accursed Apollo killed them. They got too hot. DAMN YOU APOLLO!! but who am i kidding? the blame lies equally with me- i aided the creation of the inescapable, unyielding inferno that my little worm babies were fried in till their dying breaths.....
how do i even live with myself?!
apparently i was doing it wrong anyway. too much poop to not enough worm ratio.
....BUT A POUND OF WORMS!!
but too much poop.
but so many worms!!!!
but still too much poop.
i underestimated the poopiness of my beloved number 1's poop. thank god i didn't try anything with number 2's!! evilocity plus poop toxicity can only equal zombified worms that can probably open the lid of their own worm bin. before coming into the house to eat our brainzzzzzzzzzzz
"braaaainnnnzzzzzz"
the fact of the matter is i need to step up my game.
and step up i shall.
worm bin round 2 will be on its way shortly. plan of action? slow and steady will win this race. hopefully only ONE more batch of worms will be needed... with some sage advice from some serious veteran composters and a resolve to brave the nefarious odors of number 1's very special waste I head back into the darkness.
never quite in the past tense while this guy's around
Well whatever. My vermicompost bin has been set up for a couple of days now and the poop-that-is-worm-food has been added as well as a cushy home for the new tenants.
I've never BEEN more excited about poop and worms. it's a little bit disturbing but bear with me here.
The bin is all set.
the home is prepared.
when will my super hard workers be coming?
according to USPS:
MONDAY!
that's right people~ my worms are going to be here on monday! a POUND of worms. a pound of RED worms. a pound of red WIGGLER worms! I'm beside myself. BESIDE myself.
if this all goes according to plan then for $40 I will be recycling a never ENDING supply of dog poop and reusing the worm poop that is worth more than gold (to gardeners of course). And the worms will just keep breeding. and breeding. and laying little cocoons!
The way I figure once I get some cocoons, I'll just toss them into my garden compost bin and let magic happen. Please let some magic happen!!
Because my veggie compost bin REEKS!
seriously.
reeks.
"how can you say that about kitchen scraps when you're so excited about poop. surely poop smells worse!" you're thinking....
shut up. you don't know what you're saying!
I actually prefer to open up my box of poop to opening up my bucket of food and hay. It will get better- it will. but i'm hoping to baby jesus that a handful of red wigglers and maybe some cocoons tossed in the garbage bin will help the process go by faster.
>>>UPDATE (aug 19, 2013): i just checked my bin yesterday and after aerating and twirling all the nasty rotty stuff around I am happy to report.... IT'S HEALTHY!! AND HAPPY!! AND OH GOODNESS THE REEK IS GONE THE REEK IS GONE! I'll still be throwing in some red wiggler cocoons when they arrive. hollaaaaaa~
Another bit of news... I'm happy to report my new cat that I finally got (knowing full well of their evilocity of course) is getting along famously with Mori..... ish. there is still a little bit of cat/dog sentiments that come out once in a while but that has more to do with the fact that as a tiny little critter the cat gets under the super energetic and strong massive paws of the dog and then there's cat's panic of life almost having ended and dog's thoughts of "is this going to be a chase game!? yaaaayyyy!!"
I do catch them snuggling and snuffling and playing with the same toys and whatnot but it will probably still be some time before the cat will want to sit on Mori's head like i want him to. and then it will be a skip and hop away from.....
THE CIRCUS!!!!
BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHA!!
Did i mention the cat's name? I gave my brother the honor of naming the kitteh and the decision landed on Memento. So now we have a Memento and a Mori roaming around the house but more intimately they are known as Memmie and Mo.
Memmie loves to watch movies with me and sleep like a nerd.
sleep ovah heeeere
sleep ovah theeeeere
watch a little teeeeveeeeeee
ALSO new- my wine making endeavors. Trial 1 = blueberry wine wheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee~~
So far so good. Four days into the yeasting process it smells decidedly boozey. and soon when it's ready i'll drink and be a shameless floozey. cuz i'm not choozey. when it comes to wine- that's a dooooooozey.
see what i did there?
did you?
you did?
yeah you did.
seriously. it's happening.
What else is going on...... {tap chin} hmmmmmmmmm...
I tink i tink dat's all folks! Now i just wait for my worms to get here, then i'm also going to make some Mead and then i'm also planning a little welcome home party for my faaaavorite mom :P
If you know me in real life, you've probably heard me talk about poop. I talk about poop regularly. Probably because it is a mystery to me as I don't do it.... {crickets chirping} Now is the time to stop reading this post if solid waste is a sensitive subject for you.
Last time i was jazzed about kombucha i made a big batch that turned out pretty decent and saved my alien SCOBY from my efforts. recently i was cleaning out my fridge and threw my baby away. why? because i just didn't feel like it was still very healthy and happy. so back to the drawing board.
New SCOBYs are on their way as i test between a tea mixture of both black and green tea as well as a straight black tea; home brewed kombucha from a farmer's market and a store bought bottle. in a week's time they should be half formed.
or maybe only one will be.
maybe neither will survive....
who knows?
it's exciting either way because i'm soon going to be on my way for some home brewed Sooch Booch :)
Movies are coming back into my life in full force. A couple from recommendation, a couple from a long line of netflix dvds waiting to be discharged, and a couple weekend flicks to hang out with new and not so new friends.
Of course, watching movies means not doing other things so my garden work is slowing down, my physical fitness schedule is non-existent, I'm pretty much doing absolutely nothing productive other than spending time with people and in my own head. Which is pretty productive actually, just not in a way you can see it visibly.
Researching some movie or other the trailer for Blue Jasmine came up. I love Cate Blanchett. The movie is directed by Woody Allen and truthfully, while I'd heard the name a bunch of times, I'd never really associated name with any particular movie other than that he has directed a lot. For some reason directorial info has started to stick in my brain more than the usual "it was directed... by someone i'm sure..." as it once did with my slight infatuation with Sidney Lumet.
check my little gold man bitchessssss~
"hey hey! you! quit that shit. quit. that. shit."
what a badass director. There was a time when Sean Connery guffawed on my blog. Well this would be Lumet guffawing at Connery. that's how bad ass he is.
"did someone say badass? yes, that would be me.. yes. guffaw."
I had just finished reading his book "Making Movies" on his experiences becoming the most successful director of his time and still. "Master of Cinema" says IMDB and I would agree. If you read "Making Movies" you'll be completely absorbed by the reasons for his direction, for his choice in camera angling, for the lighting compensation.
mmm yeah work that angle....
But really, he was a master of getting actors to do what they're supposed to do- follow his direction.
many times that required encouragement like:
"you really ARE the best looking guy on this set. really. look at me-
look at me! I want you to focus now... no don't look away. the best. i mean it"
the things i have to do around here.
I'd read the book immediately before the Black Period i went through a couple of years ago so that by the time i sank into mental and emotional oblivion, i was ready to sit and absorb all of his movies in one fell, greasy, starving, smelly, bed-ridden swoop. And watch I did. 12 Angry Men; Long Day's Journey into Night; Murder on the Orient Express; Dog Day Afternoon; Network. then the love story bug bit and i switched gears for movies before I got to Serpico or The Verdict or some of his other stuff...
Anyhow the love story bug is back... a little loopy from some dope I'd wager. The next director I think I'd like to get into is Woody Allen. I've already got a head start based on his filmography but the kick off for actively checking some films off will be.....
that is beyond a doubt. Cats are the Cain to dogs' Abel. And as the bible story goes cats will always be the one to commit the murder and dogs will always be the ones to go. why? because dogs are loyal and sweet and stupid to a loving fault. and God loves dogs more. WHAT!? it says so! God totally loved Abel more. check it. take your wares and sacrifices elsewhere Cain. Cat.
don't get me wrong, cats can look sweet and loving too. I guess..
just look at that sweetness and lovingness all squeezed into a sink... WTF?
but don't be fooled. because you'd be an idiot to think those shining eyeballs are radiating love.
at you.
they're definitely radiating love.
but it's more like the
hunger
kind of love.
for your face.
oh how quickly these guys change:
from a little guy like "oooo pet me, love me i'm sooooper soffff"
I speak American every single day. More so than most because I speak excessively about everything and mostly anything of no import. Some days though, i start to feel like a fraud. As i'm speaking and communicating in the language so many people understand I start feeling like an impostor. Like i don't belong in this mindset but i've somehow learned the phrases and the slang and know the appropriate times to insert which in order to make the audience feel like they understand. But they don't because what i'm thinking isn't being expressed as it is thought, it is being expressed in the way it is easiest digestible to the listener.
So Canada.
or Canadia as i like to say...
sounds more like a country that way.
A trip to come soon I think.
I think a trip will come soon.
I think I want to take a trip soon.
to.
Summerland!
you just know whoever thought of the name was a jolly good person.
a jolly-er.
jolly-izing everyone in its path.
seriously.
Google that shit.
SUMMERLAND I MEAN.
no, forget it....
*whisper* {I already did it for you}
BAM!
yes i'll take one of these, k thanks
And because I think i can roll both ways:
and yes i'll take one of these too...
JOLLY knew what's up...
but enough talk about Jolly's unhealthy arousal for underaged californians.
something..
something something.
something about Canadia.
........
oh yes.
WHEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE! leetle houses!
At only 6 hours away it's an embarrassment that I've yet to visit and yet here i sit.
a fucking embarrassment.
Who are these brothers and sisters of mine?! Who?!
do they look the same as me?
do they eat the same things?
GAHHH!
FUCKING GLOBALIZATION i can't even asks these questions anymore.
ARRGGGG.
a;weruiopawuefl;asjkf;sdkljfa
asl;dkfjqwuer
awkeryh;oiajdf;asdl;awjdf
/tantrum
I'll go there to this magical place named by Jolly who probably molested super tan, highly serious, californian teeny boppers. And drink some wine baby.
I'm on a high right now... i know- different end of the spectrum from my last post but this should not surprise anyone. The latest and greatest and not-all-that-new-but-still-kinda-new thing in my life is gardening!!
Remember last year when it was gonna be AMAZEBALLS??
So many plans, so many seeds, so much watering!! gaaahhhhh!!
THIS year i'm workin it (yeah yeah it's a little late in the year), makin it, doin it (the gardening you creep heh heh), and it's makin me harder, better, fa- wait wait i'm getting this wrong.
TAKE 2:
THIS year i'm workin it harder ripping up that NASTY grass!
makin it soooo much better!
and better...
K, i dunno about doin it faster though... there's only so much my back and shoulders can handle.
But for sure it's making me stronger :)
I have a different focus this year. Instead of creating new life, I'm working on cultivating the lives I've already got. Like the tree pictured above. last year it was just an awkward looking treeling with two skinny long arms. this year, after an entire spring of branching and filling out and getting dressed, a whole galaxy of aphids came and stunted so much of the new growth. I didn't know what was ailing it and at that particular time i didn't really care to notice due to my whole not caring to notice much of anything. The other thing killing this tree was complete dehydration- not because i was withholding water mind you! but the tree was planted on a complete slope and none of the water would stay anywhere near the tree... hence: STONE WALL! hour after hour i kept stacking the damn rocks trying to make them stay... and then finally i've got a teeny little dam to keep my tree drunk with water to grow and be merry. the flowers underneath are gardners' strategy that i'm slowly picking up on to attract predators of the aphids that will mosey on over to the foliage and then stumble on a feast of the little aphid bastards to eat away at! HA!
what else this year? a little ways away from my tree i ripped up even MORE grass and built what will be my herb garden next year. I'll be finishing my patio table today- i'll be posting about that soon. I want to build some kind of shade pergola over the patio but that's something i still have to work out...planning on cutting down the plum tree this fall so the nectarine tree can flourish- they're starting to choke each other out now {sad}. I'll have to fix my raised beds once the season ends because we've already got tomatoes, zucchini, and cucumbers growing in them now. and lastly- maybe most ambitiously- i want to build my green closet. somewhere to grow plumeria and a lemon tree...this project is particularly tricky because adequate lighting is essential and location may be a difficult thing in my yard... no matter. I will make it work. Did i say i've started composting? I've started composting. and learning about feeding my plants. i'm going to have amazing compost in about 3-4 weeks, i'm also going to make some Worm Cafe's for them to come compost around the yard for me, and COFFEE!! who knew coffee could be so amazing for the yard? i've been asprinklin' and asprinklin' some more. everywhere. because my office produces CRAZY amounts of coffee grounds and that means i have an unending supply of food for my garden. stay tuned.....
It was a little over two years ago when I was going through my very very bad time with the thinking and the depression and the unexplained anger and the disappointment with the universe around me. I would be on stumbleupon for hours at a time. I literally watched three to four movies a night. No classes. no nothing. lived off of a soup and a roll. maybe bathed once every other day. But I can't verify any of that because those days, weeks, month, MONTHS all blur together into a flurry of WSJ, stumbleupon, movies, sleep, pinterest, NYtimes, emails, food, facebook, stumbleupon, movies, sleep, stumbleupon, movies, and then some.
That was very much so a downward spiral if I have ever been in one. I think I smelled. is that the right verbiage? i was smelly. yeah...........
For about a week near the tail end of that miserable time, I had the mindset of "you silly bitch it's time to get out of this smelly rotting hole of nothingness" but not the energy or the imagination to think of how to do it. When i am fully with myself there is not a situation i can't think of a way to make better, but when i'm struggling you've never seen a more defeatist attitude than mine. It's childish I know... and i work on it every time i come out of a phase of struggle so that next time it takes less and less life out of me to get over myself. What finally got me out of that particular instance was a picture i "stumbled upon" hehe :)
It said: "wake up every morning with the thought that something awesome is about to happen."
I know. I scoff at those ridiculous "inspiration" quote pictures too. Suddenly every beautiful landscape photo needs to be plastered with some pithy saying or heart melting observation in obscure fontage. But I gotta say... if for every million of those that are passed over just one of them affects someone else as much as that single image did me two years ago... maybe those instagramming/quote hording/reposting whores are doing it right!
In all seriousness though, one day I stumbled on that picture at 5 in the morning after a night of watching a series of animated films and thought to myself "I could do that. I could wake up and believe that something awesome will happen that day." So I did. Right after I slept the rest of that particular day away. The next morning, I woke up, dressed up, and showed up to life and found myself searching every street corner, every stranger's face, every building entrance for a sign of this potential "awesome" that would be showing up that day. And I did that for weeks. And it worked.
At least for a while. In the two years i've had several more ups and downs. My most recent one still in the process of fading its fat ass out of my life. This time around I was very affected by two quotes:
"Don't save things for a special occasion. Today is special enough."
"No matter how you feel, get up, dress up, and show up."
They go hand in hand in the context of how they affect me at this moment in time which is one of indifference to my physical appearance owing to my prolonged phase of indifference to life. I have all these clothes that I keep stored away and never wear because i'm not physically where i want to be to wear them. Then i've got all this jewelry that i don't put on because they're too flashy for everyday wear. Then i've got all these heels i never wear because they're too whatever. and these bags i don't use because.. etc. etc. etc. and then there go my twenties. And in my thirties all of these things will be too "young" for me or too "cheap" for me or blahty blah blah blah. You know where I'm going with this. On top of all of that settling for mediocrity despite the very available "something specials" i've got all over my room, i also have been slacking on life as i've stated numerous times this post. So. Combine the two quotes and these next few however-long-i-can-keep-it-going weeks or months will see me dressing in all of the things i want to wear. and most importantly, showing up to life. And it'll be great. I know it will because right now the soundtrack to SooJangles' life is:
Today is a day to check in with myself, methinks. And by check in, I mean do a thorough mental stability assessment because things are not happening right now. Which I guess is not a bad thing. Or is it?
I've always wanted to own a gun. Nothing crazy but a simple revolver or pistol that is easily stored and not a ginormous show of death and destruction. Why? Because I want to know how to use a gun. Because there are too many evil people who know how to use this tool and not enough good people. As if refusing to learn to use a gun will somehow protect you from someone who points a gun at you.
Knowing how to shoot a gun will not help you stop someone from shooting you either of course...
Which is why I'd also like to know how to disarm and unload at least three of the most common types of guns that are on the streets.
I think knowing how to shoot a gun to protect yourself as well as knowing how to disarm a gun to defend yourself are both skills that are as obvious and necessary as learning to drive manual transmission. It is very ego-centric and naive to believe that just because my (family/town/state/country/belief/political stance) is against the use of something, everyone else should be too.
Example: How many Americans actually know how to drive a manual transmission car? And I don't mean like "I learned how to not kill the car shifting into first when I was 16" but realistically react properly in different situations and handle the car with control? Certainly not enough. And then when they (I say they because while I also didn't know how until last year, I'd like to believe that my truck and I are pretty friendly by now) travel to other countries to rent cars that turn out to be manual, it's like the world flipped upside down. "How can you only have stick? Can't you find me an automatic?" Can't you just not be stupid? The rest of the world drives manual... get with the program or at the least learn how to keep up.
While I don't plan on having a collection of guns laying around my house, I'd like to be confident that if there is ever a time when the need arises and there is a gun there to be used for my own protection, I know that I'm not the one who ends up dead.... or at least I know that I did my best to pop the fucker in the head first. How silly would it be to have a gun next to you and the bastard coming after you and you can't help yourself because "you didn't know how?" that's NEVER a good excuse in any context. Especially not one where your life is endangered.
Am I planning to go hunting murderers and piss off some local gangs? Hell no- I have way too much gardening to do before spring rolls in. There is (unfortunately) always news of "tragedy" from shootings in the media. Each of them are tragedies because they are always unexpected, completely unwarranted, and the victims are completely oblivious and undeserving. I don't have to go flaunting the wrong colors in gang territory or go visit Ted Bundy at his house because those crazies walk around town and hang out on the same streets we walk on. Worse still, that unstable teenager, the depressed office clerk, the financially strained father of 4, etc. etc. these people also walk the same streets as we do and it's hardly as simple as wearing the wrong color that sets them off.
Hear me, this is NOT to imply that the victims of tragedies were victims because they were merely unprepared. There are always tales of heroes in these situations like the teacher who was killed because she shielded her students until they could get clear of the shooting, or the guy who took bullets to his back covering his new girlfriend of only three months. No knowledge of guns necessary to be an incredibly selfless human being. But if there was a chance to take the gun away would they have known how? With the kind of courage that was displayed, I have no doubt that if either of them had the opportunity, they both would have tried.
Suicide by gun was also a sub-category of interest with all of this attention by the media on gun violence of all kinds. The NYT posted a story about lowering suicide rates by focusing in on gun laws that will keep guns out of suicidal hands. The story quotes an epidemiologist, Dr. Mark Rosenberg, "'The literature suggests that having a gun in your home to protect your
family is like bringing a time bomb into your house...Instead of protecting you, it’s more likely to blow
up."
What is disturbing to me about the many similar claims being made is the implied notion that we as the people who own these guns have very little agency in what actually is done with these tools. No the gun does not just blow itself up out of the blue- it is not a time bomb (and while we're on the time bomb: it too would also be completely inactive if the timer were not set to countdown by a human. Without the human factor as a catalyst for the destruction these objects are capable of causing, they are just a jumble of parts and pieces that fit in a very specific way. Go ahead, bring the time bomb into your house- just put a very secure lock on the stupid timer and see if the bomb will actually just "decide" to blow you up... because it is "violent"...right). The gun does not get depressed and decide to kill people. The gun does not go into a jealous rage and kill its spouse. These are feelings and reactions of people. People who then use the nearest and simplest tool to act on the feelings they are having.
The gun is not what made someone depressed. In fact, the presence of the gun does not even become a factor in the person's battle with depression until it reaches a point of climax and suicide seems to be the only escape.
The cheating person is not a cheater because there is a gun around. The gun does not encourage or discourage their cheating in any way. The jealous spouse does not get MORE jealous and angry because there is a gun somewhere in the house. As they are two separate sentences, they are two completely separate circumstances until there is a catalyst. There is a gun in the house. The spouse is in a jealous rage because they are being cheated on. At a point, the jealous spouse reaches a mindset where they no longer have the desire to confront, work through, understand, or do anything with the cheater but to exact their revenge. The question then, is how? This is the point at which the two separate circumstances come together. When the fact that there is a gun in the house becomes the answer to the question of how to take revenge on the jealous rager's cheating spouse. The gun is merely a tool. Were there not a gun in the house, the jealous spouse would use something else. That the end result would be fatal to the cheater is not a certainty: I believe that is what makes this issue of guns so clouded and charged.
But something like this cannot beclouded and charged because that's how people lose sight of the real causes- by fixating on symptoms. The gun is just a tool. The ridiculous volume of violence with which guns are associated is not the cause of guns and guns are not the cause of the violence. Guns and gun violence are the symptom of a MUCH larger problem to do with society, history, the way humans have chosen to deal with problems, etc. And why are we fixated on guns? Because it's easier to get rid of all one inanimate object in the world than it is to just get rid of human nature. Realistically though, remember Sleeping Beauty? Yeah, the king and queen got rid of every spindle in the land and she still found one on which to prick her finger on the day of her birth as prophesied by the evil fairy. Because she's human... and that's just how it is.
This post needs more fleshing out before it's done. However at 2+ months of dabbling and tweaking and adding and deleting it's time to post in all its erroneous glory. All I can say is that since starting this post I've shot a few different kinds of guns and I love it. I will own a gun and I will absolutely make sure to know how to use it like I know how to use a garden shovel. Because when I garden, I need the shovel and God forbid I am ever in danger but when I am, I'll need the gun. I don't know about you but "I didn't know how to defend myself" is not exactly a real excuse when it comes to my life.
I love Oscar Wilde. The way he writes, the way he thinks, pretty much the way he is transmitted through the words he put down on paper and is perceived by my mind. I love.
During my trip to Ireland, what did I discover but that Wilde is an IRISH man and not the great Great Britain that for some reason seems to be a common idea in many peoples' minds.
I finished his one and only published novel "The Picture of Dorian Gray" and boy did that become a kind of horror story really fast! Knock another one off the Ultimate Reading List finally!
The first time I even had notion of Dorian Gray as a story/book/literary work was in 2003 when the name of Sean Connery drew me to the movie "The League of Extraordinary Gentleman." Remember that one?
The first time I realized it's "extra-ordinary" which actually completely makes sense. *facepalm*
And watch this film I did- twice. Cuz there's always something about superhero movies that draws you back despite it being extracheezy or extraunbelievable or extracampy or extraridiculous... i guess that "extra" rule doesn't quite work in all situations eh?
BUT LOOK AT THIS FACE!!
"hummuna hummuna hummuna guffaw guffaw guffaw"
Oh and... wait, what was I saying? Right, so you'll see that Dorian Gray is one of the League though he is not actually part of the original extraplain group. Observe:
see? nowhere to be found. like the invisible man... har har
The remake saw fit to add new characters and make the league a SUPER league!! Because..... well.... Amerka!!!!!~~
Though captions are not my own, I felt them highly relevant.
Dorian Gray would be second from the left.
close up! see how handsome he is?? and will be.. FOREVER.......
Anyway sometime during the movie the quirk of Wilde's novel is discussed as Gray very obviously travels where he goes with constant concern over the safety of his portrait. This was completely new to my 14 year old mind and I was fascinated with the idea that Gray's youth and energy comes from the safe keeping of his picture and that wound to the picture is wound to his body... is that not an AMAZING thought!? Ok, if I'm being honest it still dazzles my mind.
Of course being the spritely eager youngster (that I am sadly no longer) I googled the shit out of this man called Dorian Gray after watching the movie. Maybe during the movie, I don't remember. I needed to know: Who thought of this idea? Which comic mogul featured him: DC? Marvel? fuck, I dunno- Nickelodeon?? What does the cartoon version of him look like? How old is this story that I've heard of Jekyll and Hyde but not Dorian Gray? The physical embodiment of Beauty as Dorian Gray was new to me in every sense of the meaning.
But to those less ignorant than I am, the name of another beautiful and immortal man would come to mind immediately at the mention of Dorian Gray... and that is of course the name of Oscar Wilde. I fell in love with him for his name, fell out of love with him for his not very manly looks (i was much more shallow a year ago back then), and then back in love with him through the college study of "The Importance of Being Earnest." Now, I'm a little bit frightened and ever more in awe of him after my reading of Dorian Gray.
On a literary forum that I was perusing, I saw a thread started by the question "Oscar Wilde: overrated?" and immediately I thought to myself and very pointedly at the post- I HATE YOU, YOU'RE AN IDIOT FOR ASKING SOMETHING LIKE THAT!! and then obviously I clicked on the link to see what everyone from the cyberweb had replied. Fortunately, there was only one idiot (OP) and all of the responses were the same as my initial reaction in varying degrees of politeness and filtering. Having been justified by complete agreement from the rest of the literate universe, I saved the severe tongue-lashing I had loaded in my fingers and let OP live another day.
Wilde stopped writing far too soon and selfishly deprived the world of some serious thoughts on aesthetics and human nature. If anything he is completely UNDERrated and it is the loss of thinking minds that he is so.
During one of my five million connecting flights on the way to Ireland, I had cause (aka shoddy ass access to international wifi after being cut off from the world) to download a collection of Wilde's children's stories called "The Happy Prince." I started crying on the plane and sniffling quietly like I was watching a sequel of The Notebook. I grew up around peers who seemed to have none of the moral values or conscientiousness that were forced on me by immigrant parents who had lived most of life in a much more disciplined country than America. So imagine my surprise when the same kind of cynical eye-rolling thoughts I have had on numerous occasions throughout my short-lived life were subtly and craftily expressed in these seemingly innocuous stories. It's clear what Wilde thought of his generation and how that would affect the one coming right behind. For his judgment and his attempt to address the issue while the buds are only yet forming, I respect Wilde in a way I find it difficult to do for those who just sit and write "letters to the editor" expecting things to be fixed and all better now that they've said their piece.
But of course those people are not Oscar Wilde. In any age it is difficult to find a mind that is able to think such pure thoughts and still account for all of the sinning that revolve ever around them.
"A dreamer is one who can only find his way by moonlight,
you've stumbled into my head have you? Well good luck finding anything worth keeping!! But if you do find something.. may it bring a smile to your face, or a thought to your brain~
