When in need for words....

11:42 PM 2 Comments A+ a-

POST PICTURES!!

a visit to cowiche canyon after work

the sun changing colors by the minute

unbelievable clouds



And on another day....

concord grapes!

the sweetest we've ever tasted... buckets and buckets!

and October wouldn't be without pumpkins

martians hiding in the brush!!

dried corn stalks... almost time for the corn maze!


and yes... yellow watermelons~

Jumping Spidermonkey

8:39 PM 2 Comments A+ a-

Today's inspiration is none other than my very own beloved brother! It is simple... he can jump really freaking high and I think it's the coolest thing ever! But unfortunately this awesome skill is not genetically passed to yours truly so I will continue working on getting my feet high enough off of the ground so I don't trip on the damn floor when I walk...
Watch!! OOOOooooooooooooo~~~
Not that impressive?  You can do that too?  Hmm... well I guess a little perspective is in order. Alright~ Your humble narrator is but a paltry 5 foot 2 inches... some pedantic naysayers who deserve to have dog turd rubbed in their eyes may argue that I only reach 5 and 1.  Regardless, this tire is humongous.  
Observe small grasshoppers:
Now watch the video again..... can you REALLY do that too? like.. REALLY??  WELL THEN. WHAT ABOUT THIS!? yeah baby!!! He does it twice.. no big deals.  

I know.. it's not like it's me jumping but I'm automatically way cooler in general just by association and with extra points because I'm associated by BLOOD! woot woot!

General update: and videos!!

6:06 PM 1 Comments A+ a-

I'm doing this silly watercoloring business which is taking up a lot of my time lately... but it's a good thing I s'pose... this whole not-being-a-lazy-creature stint.  I have been inspired by.. my brain.. to continue this non-lazy behavior and document the multiple self-creation projects that I have going on.

So! Without further ado, may I introduce to you my other works in progress?

~Drink as much wine as financially and physically possible while obtaining all relevant information about said wines.  Now don't think I'm some alcoholic or anything.  In fact, if you knew me, you would know that "as much wine as physically possible" actually only means about two gulps because goddamn my asian super liver, I can't digest alcohol to save my coolness!  But the biggest point of that project is just to learn as much as I possibly can about all the different kinds of wine out there.

Some empty, some unopened, all cheap :P

~Stay on top of my physical fitness by committing to a schedule and working the program accordingly.  So far, what I'm focusing on is using my pilfered TURBOFIRE workouts as my HIIT/cardio routine three days a week and hitting the weights at the gym three days interspersed between the cardio.  On Sunday I go and Zumba with my mom which is always more of a fun day than a "training" day.  I'm going to try to keep a weekly log of my progress in terms of keeping to my schedule.  I'm thinking accountability will keep away the lazy dizeaze.

~Take photos with my dinky digital camera and make the most of what I got.  My town has amazing opportunities for taking photos every morning and evening because the sky here becomes a mixture of colors that I am sure has never been seen anywhere else in the world.  The problem is, my camera cannot handle said colors so until I can capture these hues and gradients the way my heart sees them every day, I will make do with photographing... other... things.  My goal is to upload five of my favorite shots once every week.

{sigh} It really is a pity that a day only has 24 measly hours, especially since I have to sleep 9 of them :( well lately that's another thing I've been working on.  Two weeks and I've gone with whatever sleep I can get and still wake up at 7 in the morning.  Sometimes that means 5 hours with a two hour nap during the day, or passing out at 10 pm and catching some serious zzz's till 7.

~Videos.  I want to start creating videos of some things.  I think maybe I will combine my "Do-it-yourself" section with my video experimentation.  I love making things by hand.  Everything I love I'll try to find a way to make the home version of it.  With food, it's so much healthier, with beauty products it's way more natural, with everything else it's just way awesomer.  You know what I'm talking about. Or if you don't, I'm sorry, because you are seriously missing out on some good shit.  Now, I want to create a DIY section with videos of how to make things.  Who knows, maybe this idea dies down and I just start posting video as opposed to writing.  But then that would be the ultimate laziness, so maybe not.



~Foodage.  I'm going to make and document one recipe a week.  I'll be cooking way more than that but the problem is I've made about 50 recipes, which would have me way further along on that particular bullet of the bucketlist, and I rarely pull out the camera.  I wish I had a cameraman just follow me around ready to photograph when I'm cooking!  bah whatever... so I'm going to be doing all that good stuff.

Ok, well that's all for now I guess... I'll be making updates about the bucketlist soon because I've been working on.... some things..... oooooooo mysterious~~~

Happiness #28 : Old is not old?

1:36 PM 1 Comments A+ a-

Ugh, so I tried to paint an old man... and clearly proportions is not the ONLY thing i need to be working on {sad}.  At least he ended up kind of smiling.. it was starting to look really angry and scary for a while.. and I must invest in a highlighting utensil like a gel pen because white colored pencil just makes everything look blurry where I use it.  BAH! WRINKLES!! HOW DO I GET WRINKLES?!

Creature from "Insidious"

My brother says he looks like a creature... one from the horror film "Insidious." This can only mean that this rendition of an old man is frightening... {tear}.

I'll be back with something decent in a few days..........

Happiness #27 : Progress

5:59 PM 1 Comments A+ a-

SO. i have learned a valuable lesson in the past couple of days.... I HAVE BEEN DOING IT ALL WRONG!!! You see, i went onto some watercolor websites that teach you how to do this and that and blah blah blah.. but nobody said you have to WET the paper first!!! ok, well that's not absolutely necessary but still it suddenly made using the stupid paints so much easier! plus a youtube video or two didn't hurt the learning process~

On another note, I have decided to change my strategy... it's not about the scenery it's all about the people! portraits is where it's at everyone... well maybe for me because landscape painting is just so difficult! Think about it, if you draw a landscape and it sucks monkey balls, then you just have a mess of colors and a shoddy explanation.  but with portraits, you stick two little circles near the top, a long "L" in the middle, a horizontal oval near the bottom and voila! a roughly recognizable face!! observe:
Specimen A
A face, no?  Clearly a terrifying depiction of a person... is it male, is it female, does it even matter? After all, clowns have no gender.... so i hear.  The point is, faces are recognizable in anything that is partially symmetrical with what seems to be eyes and a mouth on an oval plain.  That's because people are egomaniacs as a species and we try to make sense of nonsense with our anthropocentric little brains.... Anyhow, Specimen A was in fact, not meant to be a clown.  but partway after laying down the skin color I began to realize that i was going back to how I paint with other paints and declared this one a botched attempt.

The second time around I became a bit more clever heh heh.. I decided to stray away from human tones to keep on track with the style of watercolor as opposed to an exact recreation of a human face.  the best thing about it though, is that at the end of the day, if Specimen B turns out even worse than Specimen A, I can always proclaim abstractness and stick up my nose at those who are too artistically challenged to understand what I was trying to do...
Specimen B
Luckily it didn't turn out like mashed up poop.  Yay for me!! I'm going to work on facial proportions and try again tomorrow.

Oh, and YES. the chocolate cake was AWESOME!!!


Happiness #26 : Watercoloring

2:51 PM 2 Comments A+ a-

I've decided to try my hand at watercolor painting.  A terrifying medium of my past, I was a little hesitant to try again.  But alas, my hand has picked up a bit of skill with the passage of time.... now if only Pandora would stop hurting me with Norah Jones and get back to the good music I can brag a little about my paintings!
my kitchen table top studio
For my first attempt, I chose a vividly blue picture of the moon rising above a pitch dark ocean that I had saved online months ago. The painting definitely did not go as planned... luckily there are such things as mixing mediums and the wonderfully forgiving texture of oil pastels to disguise my mistakes!

With blue fingers and a blue heart at the expected but unwanted challenges presented by this tricky tricky paint of paints, I steeled my nerves and said "Damn you water paints!!" as I dove in for round 2!  Several panicky moments and frantic dabs of the eraser towel later, I looked triumphant upon my winter moonrise with only a few scraped knees and some serious bruises.

Ok, yeah I know.  The trees don't really look like trees and the grass has definitely too much red in it to really be convincing as "winter" grass.  But the sky looks so purty!!  I'm thinking next time I'll just do giant swatches of super cool colors fading into each other and name them all "Sky" with numbers after them.  As for these, i'll save them and cash in on them when I'm super famous and these sell as collector's pieces for something like.... 25 million a piece, maybe?  heh heh... maybe more like 20 million..

That all said, at almost 3 in the afternoon with some dishes in the sink and a triple chocolate cake bakin' in the oven, I'm off to search for my next masterpiece! Yay for new hobbies!

Ice Ice Baby~

8:05 PM 6 Comments A+ a-

My brother posed a genius question that I'm sure there is a genius answer for.... I'm just not genius enough to know what the solution is (sad).  For anybody who is cool enough to be so scientifically inclined and nice enough to tell, please enlighten me- I would love to solve this mystery for my lovable big brother!

Question: If science could invent the microwave to heat/melt things in a fraction of the time of good ol' stove top cooking, how come there hasn't been something invented that can freeze inconveniently warm bottles of water/juice/soda in a fraction of the time of lame freezers?

My hesitant probative guess would be that it has something to do with freezing point/boiling point of water? maybe it's quicker to boil water than freeze? Ugh I dunno. Dumb molecules of life!!! there's a reason why my grades for Bio were never great- even the second time I took it! and my grades for Chem reflected a similar sad state when I became a graduate of higher education (double sad).

Guesses anyone? Or even better, Answers anyone??

6:44 PM 2 Comments A+ a-

There is so much to be happy about everyday and yet when the most important people in your life are not happy or even content, it becomes difficult to focus on the little things and ignore the glaring problems.  But what else can you do when the problems cannot be fixed, or changed, or alleviated? Ignoring them only means something much worse to deal with much later, but it's so draining to deal with them now.

If only I could inject a little bit of my self-induced happiness into those I love and force them to realize that life's too short to be upset about every little thing from past to present.

Happiness #25 : New wins

11:57 PM 4 Comments A+ a-

Playing basketball with my brother today reminded me of years ago when he would drag me out at all hours to get his rebounds despite my cries of "I don't wannaaaaa!"  I'm so happy for two different things today.
One, that I am able to be that friend/playmate/little brother to my brother that he was so impatient for when we were little that he would try to wrestle me at less than two years old, propping me to get me into the right position for a move; keep me up at all hours of the night so that he could play video games in the dark with someone else and not be alone, calling me his lucky charm; trying to teach me how to shoot a ball properly all the while ignoring my grimaces and complaints.  I regret that I couldn't just be more enthusiastic and call him out to play ball- instead I can still recall his dejected face as he finally gave up trying to keep me out there with him- "Alright, five more shots and we'll go in, k? Just five more, I'm kinda tired anyway."
I'm also very happy to see that I am starting to truly let go of my inhibitions about my weaknesses.  Never have I ever been athletic or very well coordinated and in the past, these factors affected me to the point of not even trying very hard.  I would put in as much effort as it took to appear as if I am making an attempt but it was never my all and my heart was never in it.  Today I was in it to win it.  A stupid game of HORSE, a silly game of two on two with rules bent every which way to put me and the other noobie at every possible advantage, and I made sure I never came out last.  While it wasn't my best because of the heat, I definitely defended my six foot counterpart with the best of my ability trying to yank that sucker out of his hands at any opportunity.  Who cares what I look like when I walk away as one half of the winning team, right? :)

Happiness #24 : Easy ruins

11:51 PM 2 Comments A+ a-

Here's just a short post because I missed yesterday and I don't want to make skipping a habit again...

Today I was watching a bit of the boobtoob with my moms when a very, how should I say, "American" teenager became so upset at her mother taking away her music player that the offended youth felt cause to yell, "Why are you trying to ruin my life?!" at her paternal unit.  As common as this phrase is- so common in fact that I'm fairly certain it makes a very dramatic appearance in the majority of American family films- tonight, it rang in my ears particularly loudly.  I could not stop myself from laughing at the complete impracticality of the phrase's application as well as the silliness of it all.  How can music deprivation in the form of an mp3 player be the ruin of somebody's life?  How can being grounded from seeing friends for one week be so life altering that one must utter these words at the injustice of it all?  It makes me think, do these kids honestly feel that their mother or father just follows them around thinking up ways to make them miserable?  There are actually children who have that particular problem from their parents through abuse, mental disability, drug involvement, and who knows what else.  I feel that their situation is a bit more appropriate for the usage of that phrase because in those instances, entire futures and opportunities are wiped out for the child due to the actions of their parents.  How very selfish and American of us to even entertain the idea that we know what it means to have our lives ruined...

But can I even say "we"?  I asked my own mother if she ever recalled me blaming her for the ruin of my life- in whatever instance- and much to my relief, she said no.  Thank god I wasn't a complete idiot when I was younger.  Thank god I know the difference between life ruining decisions and completely-irrelevant-to-the-future decisions.  Like being grounded.  Ugh, the stupidity of it all, and shall I say, of THEM all, make me balk.  And as elitist as I sound by saying "them" as if I am not included, I say I have every right to say "them" and distinguish myself as apart from this moronic era of young people because I apparently had the common sense (even way back then) to understand that my life is not useless and weak enough to be "ruined" just because I don't get to go hang out with friends.

And this reflection upon such people makes it easier for me to understand how it is that Casey Anthony was found not guilty of murdering her child remorselessly; if she was truly judged by a jury of her peers, then they probably could sympathize with her feelings for wanting to be rid of the burden of a child- just like I'm sure 90% of America can see the injustice and cruelty of having one's phone taken away for a day.

Good Lord.

Happiness #23 : Beauty-ful Returns

10:57 PM 0 Comments A+ a-

Well I'm back... I know not many of you missed me because I know that there are not that many of you actually there.  However, for what it's worth....  IT WASN'T MY FAULT!! I WAS SUPER BUSY WITH - absolutely nothing.  Actually I have no excuse for my month long hiatus, and since this blog serves more for self gratification than for an audience, I guess I should be apologizing to myself...   

Today, I decided I would ease back into the writing again with something simple and something that represents a passion of mine- DIY.  Now, anybody who periodically browses the craft stores and craft websites that exist all over the world can understand how amazing it is to create something that is completely new and unique and even better than something you can buy.  So if there are any of you DIY-ers out there, here is a little gift for you:

I call this wonderful concoction the Dirty Scrub.

Here is a little back story.  I know dermatologists say not to use exfoliating scrubs as they may be too harsh for your face.  Well I say, POOP on dermatologists.  I know my skin as I have known it since the pubescent acne epidemic of 1999- when I start breaking out there are four main possible causes: 1) hormones; 2) clogged pores from makeup; 3) clogged pores from dead skin cells; and 4) change in climate/environment.  Notice that 50% of my problems occur from clogged pores a.k.a. the devil.  The majority of instances where something drastic happened to my skin by way of clogged pores revolved around times I stopped using my absolute, go-to, take-everywhere exfoliant St. Ives Apricot Scrub.  Who knows what I'm talking about??  Can I get a what-what!? RIGHT?!
There is only one thing my crafty self can say to St. Ives.  SUCK IT! Because there's a new bad-boy in town :P  ok ok, too much?  I'll get down to the good stuff now:
What do you get when you combine oatmeal, coffee, cayenne pepper, and salt to your daily skin cleansing regimen?  A serious all-in-one scrub that does so many things, your face is guaranteed to look more glowy in three days.... well at least my brother's did!


Here's some hearsay:
Benefits of Oatmeal:
"An excellent multi-purpose skin care treatment, oatmeal helps to relieve dryness, restoring natural moisture balance to aid in healing minor irritations due to the many causes and sources of skin sensitivities."
Article Source: http://EzineArticles.com/404128
Benefits of Coffee:
"Reduces appearance of cellulite... Protects against signs of aging... Soothes irritation and redness..."  And smells so darn freakin' good!
Article Source: http://www.livestrong.com/
Benefits of Cayenne Pepper:
"Cayenne actually can raise the body temperature a bit, as it stimulates circulation and blood flow to the skin... You can use cayenne peppers topically as a pain-relieving muscle rub and joint liniment. The source of the heat is capsaicin, the fiery phenolic resin found in most hot peppers. Capsaicin causes nerve endings to release a chemical known as substance P. Substance P transmits pain signals from the body back to the brain."
Article Source: http://health.howstuffworks.com/wellness/
Benefits of Salt:
Just one question- where is salt NOT beneficial?!  I think enough said.


So how can you too achieve this scrub of wonders?  This dirty, Dirty Scrub?
Mix together in a large bowl:
1 cup oatmeal ground very fine in a processor
1 cup sugar (white sugar for bigger grain, brown sugar for softer grain)
1 cup salt 
1/2 cup ground coffee beans
1/4 cup instant coffee ground to powder in a processor
3 tbsp. cayenne pepper
1/4 cup of oil (I used grapeseed oil, but you can use any oil from baby oil to almond oil to olive oil, etc.)
     ***you may not need all of the oil depending on the ingredients you use.  Be careful you don't you too much oil because you don't want the oily feeling to overwhelm the squeaky clean feeling of sloughing off dead cells and unclogging pores while you exfoliate!  I didn't need to use the whole quarter cup of oil.***
Transfer to a cute little jar with a lid to prevent drying out.  
Place next to your sink and use as necessary! 
Don't forget to rinse the oil off with facewash after using the scrub.
Go ahead, try it.  The smell will leave you feeling wide awake and the scrub will leave you looking ready to take on the universe!


and voila!

You know your skin better than I do so I encourage you to experiment with different ingredients!  And don't forget to let me know what you come up with!



Happiness #22 : In a day

9:46 PM 0 Comments A+ a-

Today was a day of:

sleeping in,
extreme humidity,
forgotten wallets,
lost earbuds,
swamp ass,
excellent friends,
no cash,
GIFT CARDS!!
mediocre chinese food,
6000 calories,
nonstop eatage,
technological failure,
more eatage,
philosophical mind rape,
more eatage,
phone chats,
dehydration,
and surprise packages!

all in all, a good day to lead into tomorrow, coming in about 7 hours~

whew!

Recipe #1 : Idaho Sunrise

6:44 PM 1 Comments A+ a-

Yum and yum again!!

So, finally beginning with the recipes aspect of this bucketlist, I have created a monster!! A delicious monster! It is eggs, potato, brocoflower, tomatoes, onions, feta, and best of all~~ butter!

As I write this, I await what will be a best brunner ever. You heard right, "brunner." That means breakfast, lunch and dinner.  Now, a photo will be uploaded when I publish this post, but be aware that I am writing this before the yolk has fully cooked in its nice little nest of veggies and spud.  My stomach is awarbling, my mind is aflutter, and my fingers are jittery from the anticipation.  Thank goodness I figured out how to work the stupid gas oven.  Well, since I have a few minutes I may as well tell all.

I had some potatoes, sprouting grossness out of its eyes from much neglect by my old roommate.  However amidst the monstrosities, I found two beautiful Idaho potatoes.  Twinkling as they angelically breathed my name.  Now, of course I don't need two potatoes, for I am a small asian girl with a teeny stomach on shy days and only half a man's appetite on my more tenacious days.  However tell me this! How can I accessorize and beautify and bring to the prime of existence ONE spud and not its sister?!  That is like splitting twins and birth and never telling them that they are not one but two.  No, that is like splitting twins after ten years and never telling them where the other is!! I could never. No, sir. Two spuds it is - if for decency I must sacrifice my tummy, heh heh.

The recipe requires baked potatoes and done the right way that would take three hours.  Your humble narrator has neither the time nor the patience at this present state of hunger to do anything the proper way quite at the moment so please forgive my lack of decorum as I recall to your horror that I threw these magnificent spuds straight into the old microwave and called it a hard night's work.  When finished, I casually sliced off a thin layer off the top, gutted the beauties and dropped into the little nest, some butter, chopped onions, diced broccoli, split cherry tomatoes, a whole egg in each, with a garnish of some feta cheese.  Into the oven it goes for about ten minutes as I wait for the egg to become tender and nutritious, all the while preparing my dish of leftover gutted potato (for I am never wasteful) and a nice little salad to go with the fancy tots.   I peak in the oven and what do I see??  The feta has browned, the egg has colored and the veggies have the flushed color of joy.  Heaven awaits.

And now? I eat. The only thing that comes to mind is.... MMmmmmmm. Not in the Campbell's way, but in the way of a night well spent in a bathtub surrounded by soft music, candles and that really great book you never seem to fall out of love with.



Thank god I made two! Recipe #1 = success.

Happiness #21 : A couple of days again

5:00 PM 1 Comments A+ a-

Slacking. Yes, well.  Here's a question: At what point in a friend's bad attitude is it ok to ask what's wrong without seeming to pry in something that's none of your business, or walk away? This is a dilemma for caring people, I should think.  You would like to help them if they need to talk about something and the attitude is just a need for attention manifesting itself in a different form.  But if they really don't want to talk about it, and have opted to take the less productive route of sulking (and I am guilty of this so I can understand) then really, you are just putting yourself on their blacklist for being nosy- when in fact you just want to care and help.  Maybe it's a case by case kind of thing but it seems to me like it's always better to err on the side of caring too much, than walking away and being misunderstood as not caring at all.  Who knows.

Today, I was told that I've made an impact in a friend's life.  This is not the first I have heard this but today, I decided to believe them.  Needless to say I was very honored for them to have come out and said, "Thanks for what you told me.  I really thought about it a lot and now I am definitely much happier taking the steps to change certain things about my life."  I hope I get to have such an impact on many more peoples' lives.
One of my bosses always says, "Don't get involved because you never know what's going on in their lives.  What will you do if they go and commit suicide after speaking to you because they didn't hear what they wanted to hear from you?"  I vehemently believe that no advice I would ever give to a willing listener would be in the direction of causing them to feel worse about their life.  I understand where the caution is coming from because regardless of good intentions, the constructive criticism may be just what the listener was dreading which in turn causes them to decide that they no longer want to live.  However, at that point I have to be realistic and ask if I was the cause of their decision or if I was just the last person to not tell them what they had hoped to hear in a long string of similar people.  Either way, it's an awful situation that I hope to avoid by always giving positive advice and making sure people know where it is coming from and with what intentions.
I choose to believe that caring and giving a damn will always trump minding your own business because if not for making connections, what is the point of life on an earth with so many different people and circumstances in which to meet them?  If not to make connections, why would we be put on an earth that is quickly being described as becoming over populated?  I think my boss is wrong.  I think not noticing what's right in front of your face, not addressing something or someone that needs help, not reaching out, is what drives people to suicide - not meaningful words of advice from someone who wants to help.

Happiness #20 : Been a couple of days

10:57 PM 2 Comments A+ a-

There are just some songs that take you away from everything.  How little we know about our senses.  Sometimes you hear a song that you have never heard before but in your mind you are sure - absolutely sure that you have heard it all of your life.
In the sixth grade my best friend and I would loiter in her (freezing) living room and turn the tv to the music channel while we hung around and spent the day away just being. One day after the giant release of Audioslave's "Like a Stone" I went over to her house, threw down my backpack and sprawled on the ground.  She asked if I had heard this amazing new song and played it for me.  I remember this day so clearly because certain songs impact you in a way that you cannot explain.  As I listened to the song, I could feel my heart slowly float a little.  There was a flutter of a wing and a wisp of a breeze.  I was somewhere else in the world, doing something the body at my friend's house had no idea about.  I immediately said of course I knew what song it was.  I had heard it a million times!  It was not until years later when I happened upon more information that I realized there is no way I could have heard that song a million times because the reality is that I had never heard it before as it did not exist before.  But I was so sure...  I still listen to the song and over the years, never have I felt an urge to change the track, if anything I'll repeat it once more before I move on.  I still have that feeling of nostalgia as if this song has been with me for years.  But by now, it has been.

Recently I have had the luck of running into another such song.  It is by a band I had never heard before but as I listened to the song, I was captivated.  I was more than captivated, I was transported.  I was suddenly back to when I was young enough to not understand financial embarrassment or the concept of "impossible."  I was walking around the inside walls of a giant flea market in Packwood? Federal Way? People bustling about shopping for used items and bargains.  This was my island and forgotten trinkets, my uncovered treasure.  A paperclip there, a stray bead here, a shiny piece of glass broken from an antique mirror - not that I knew what antique even meant.  Carefully and tenderly carrying these treasures in my pocket, I would be filled with a sense of possibility.  What will I make with these?  Looking back at myself, I imagine a tiny little street rat dirty and wandering.  Suspiciously poking around on the ground and getting into nooks everywhere.  From here, the flashbacks are laced in a honeyed orange color that tints my mind and everything I see in my memory of those days.  Just like I see when I listen to this song.  What do you see?  Maybe nothing.

Pre-emptive Strike

12:59 AM 4 Comments A+ a-

So, in the midst of studying for my last unwilling exam, I shall take a moment to commemorate my time with poetry.  Was it awful?  Sometimes.  Yet many times it was insightful and inspirational.  Like now.
Study break - - 


"Untitled"
To hear about poetry- 
      kill parts of the soul,
      preserve another's soul.


To talk about poetry-
      discover new eyes:
      destroy stale eyes.


To write poetry-
          breathe,
          paint,


                         see,
 birth idea.


And while we're on the topic of poetry, I guess I'll post an old one as well... a sort of farewell it seems:




A Journey Through Eden
Drizzling showers reveal to skeptic minds
A vision of Eden: Slated and abusive- not meant for christened eyes.

Two mighty oaks tower amidst the Bolwing green
As twins, 
casting shadow on trafficking creatures.
Golden apples changing hands, silver leaves exchanged
for rubies. Difference neglected in the shade of the legendary Wall.

Beyond, a counterfeit canal littered through time with cast iron.
Flowing, brimming with goldfish-
Precious in name only. Discounted
but shiny just the same.

A decayed homage to heroic Delancey, his import but half-forgotten.

Haphazardly divided by a cultured bowery,
Lands of the same blood become mirrored faces across time.
Gathering and trading sharp minds and troubled souls across the heavy rent.
Painted normalcy in daylight; teeming glow worms
and amber spirits in Luna’s bohemian rays.

A hidden meadow; a timeless square.
Sylphs perform rituals atop imaginary stages of Broad.
Transcending life along the Great White Way-
Off, off and off, it does not matter to them.

Adjoining with scorn, indifference,
elitist guardians of stiff culture protect the borders of an illusory garden.
A dwelling place of peace keepers;
the soil fertilized by dreams and gold along the fifth.

Hillsides of ugly pastoral living aspire to descend. 
Vast fields of hundreds mundane,
but for walks through rescued Cloisters.
Vulgar Latin is heard through the blurring rain.

Happiness #19 : Hero or Zero?

7:37 PM 0 Comments A+ a-

"All I have to do is swing and I'm a hero.  But I'm a zero."

This line floated into my consciousness as I was listening to music and typing away a useless paper like a madwoman.  I don't know how many songs have passed through my ears, in and out of my consciousness during the several hours I have been sitting in Think Coffee. It is so interesting to think that your consciousness must still be hyper aware of more than you are at any given moment.  Even though I wasn't thinking about that age old question "What am i going to do for the rest of my life?" clearly my deep consciousness has my back and is thinking about it for me.  Anybody else have a busybody brain?

Here I am, vigorously making an argument about how Thoreau likens the futility of government to the futility of writing, when this melodious psychoanalytic piece of lyric comes floating in the breeze of the ether waves of the universe to lodge itself firmly into my brain- right before the end of one written paragraph and the formulations of the next paragraph.  It lodged itself like a spike mic thrown at the side of criminal headquarters.  The infiltration was so much so that I felt compelled to choose its instigation as the topic of my blog entry for the day.

Oh Weezer, how you affect my life so.  What does the line mean?  Where does it come from?  Actually, the line is from a love song called "Perfect Situation" outlining the torment of a less than forthcoming boy that is in love with a girl who he cannot seem to hold onto.  His shortcomings lead to her eventual disinterest. The saddest part is that he asks "can you blame her?" as if he has already beat himself up over his failures enough to decide that she has every right to wander.  Poor guy.  The line refers to a particular instance where he had the perfect opportunity to be the hero if he only acts- but he doesn't, and his tendency for inaction is what makes him a "zero."

Now what does this have to do with me?  Well my incredibly rude mental faculty has seen fit to remind me of MY shortcomings in life.  Could I have done more? Absolutely.  When? Always.  Where? Everywhere. And that's why regardless of what I have actually accomplished, that marginal "more" that could have been done, but can now never be done due to my past inaction, is what makes me a zero.  Don't get me wrong, I have no regrets and my self-esteem hasn't dropped all of a sudden (that would be oh-so-very-uncharacteristic of me) but I have gotten to thinking.  At how many points could I have been a hero and opted to be a zero?  Because that's what it is- it is a choice to be a zero, not a forced will.  There are poignant moments where I definitely opted to be a hero but how many of those moments does it take to offset that one time I chose to be a zero instead?  In my book, one moment of deliberate "zero-ness" cannot be made up by even ten instances of "hero-ness."  Why so harsh?  Because everyone should always opt to be a hero in every situation when given the option.  What kind of person wouldn't?  Whatever the answer is, I don't want to be that person.

Everyone was born with a bat, and from now on, I will make every effort to swing at every opportunity, even if it means being struck out.  Because being struck out is so much more of a real feeling than any false sense of accomplishment that can be derived from walking.  Hell no, I'd rather swing the bat until it splinters with how many times I've tried to be a hero, than lay it off in a corner in the pristine condition of un-use.  Forget it.

Thanks brain, for being the caring asshole that I know you always are.

Mystery

10:16 PM 0 Comments A+ a-

I was learning mystery tactics.  Remember bucketlist #3?  Yes, I asked some co-workers.  So i'm building my toolbox to become the mysterious individual I've always wanted to be!

1) You must not talk much
2) You have to act like you don't give a fuck
3) You have to have a little sass... like you don't give a fuck
4) You must keep answers to a minimum... like, "Sure" or "Don't worry about it."
5) Keep your opinions to yourself, but if asked, see rule #4
6) When given attention and asked questions from prying individuals, you must remember #5, then implement #4, adding in #3, all the while maintaining #2.  Sadly, if you're doing #1, most times friendly individuals will try to get to know you, in which case, the sequence outlined in #6 begins.

Ugh. I will never be mysterious.  Dammit!  There has to be a different way!! I shall not give up, I'll NEVER give up!

Happiness #18 : Silliness

9:58 PM 1 Comments A+ a-

What better way
To welcome a new day,
Than with good conversation
and sleep deprivation?

How do you like my two second poetic vomit?  I'm certainly no Tennyson or Joyce, but quite possibly I could be a Seuss. 

The day was great
But I was late
Again. Still, coffee please
or else I don't see
Myself working this eight hour shift.

I'm in the writing mood,
but the fun writing mood
not the good writing mood.  
But a mood is a mood
is a mood is a mood. 
If I write with a mood,
And it doesn't matter which mood,
It's all gonna be good,
Gonna be a good mood. 
You know what I'm saying, dude?

There. Over there.
Papers flying left 
And scratch pieces crawling
Right.  All over my face,
In my space, and air.
Emerson said what? 
Thoreau threw a pen.
The Light Brigade went the wrong way
much to everyone's dismay.
And paragraphs inch out.
Dot dot dot dot dot....
"Quotations"
Citations? 
A Minute a letter,
A word an hour,
but no more.
What did he say again?
The words
s p l a   t t   e       r
a     n d s p    l at    t e  r
all over the page
all over the page
all overt hepa ge
allove rthep age
alloverthepage.

Ah, already that time I see.
Ink on my cheek
I slobbered
.
.
.
And the cursor blinks
with stupid i's
and a blank expression
all
over
the
page.

Happiness #17 : Currents

8:06 PM 0 Comments A+ a-

It's strange to think that days have scents of action.  No, not the scent of garbage on the street or the whiff of urine a bum from the night before.  The scent I am talking about is that of action.  The scent of anticipation.  The scent of serenity.  Am I alone in this observation?

Today as I was walking, the sun was shining just enough to surround the living with an unoffensive light and warm the air particles trapped in between the buildings of New York.  There was a breeze that was not gentle, but not forceful either.  It was not the kind that slowly pushes your hair out of your face only to lightly let it fall back into position.  It was not the kind that seems to caress your cheeks as it passes on by.  It was not the kind that comes at you with the desperation of resistance, like the feeling when holding your breath and it feels like your lungs are pushing into every corner of space that is in your entire being.  It was not the kind that hits like a speeding bus or an express train.  Instead, the wind was the energy lying dormant in the haunch of a stalking lion.  It was the anxious nerves of a child hiding behind a door waiting for the next unsuspecting person to pass by as the victim of his surprise.  I could feel the expectancy, the suspense, all around me.  I felt I was part of a birthday surprise party, jittery in the darkness waiting for the person to turn on the lights.  The scent of anticipation was everywhere and the whole world was holding its breath- the only problem was, I didn't know what for.

Happiness #16 : Creation story

9:54 PM 1 Comments A+ a-

There is nothing more satisfying than creating something.  I take that back.  There is nothing more satisfying than seeing something that you like, and knowing that you can make it yourself.  That is the ultimate form of independence.  It does not matter if what you like and what you want is small, large, tangible, or abstract.  If you see a bracelet that you like, making it is so much more satisfying than just going into the store to buy it just to have it.  Because what is the point of just having something?  The distance between the thought of desire and the acquisition of the desired object is too short.  It’s too easy and therefore, completely unmemorable and utterly useless.  On the other hand, you see a bracelet that you like- the same one as in the previous scenario.  You go out and carefully contemplate the materials you will need to replicate the bracelet.  You decide, do you use the same materials as those used to make the one that you saw, or do you alter the design?  Maybe you try something different and find out there’s a reason why that particular material is used to make that particular design.  Maybe you try something different and find out your design is much more unique and fitting to you.  Already the investment is beyond the money it took to purchase the materials. Then you go through the act of making it.  Regardless of whether or not you are using a design that has already been done, the fact that it comes from your own hands and effort makes this artifact something more than something that can be purchased.  You are more reluctant to part with it thoughtlessly: you are more proud and deliberate when bestowing it upon somebody- you don’t just give it away, you “bestow” it. 
And this is just a bracelet that I’m talking about.  Think about building a life for yourself.  Not just living a life of day to day floating.  Not just taking everything as it comes because, “it’s not as if you have a choice anyway.”  I mean, seeing something that you want and knowing that when you achieve it, each day was a deliberate act of gathering materials to make it happen.  You can do whatever you want and it is justified because you created that life for yourself.  Even if the model is just like everybody else’s, with a family and a middle class life, if you are active in the creation of this life, then you cannot feel anything but pride.  It’s no wonder some can be prouder of their small back-yard workshop based business than others are about an inherited corporation.  The difference is that one is someone’s baby- brain child, and the other is like an adopted pet.  There is not a feeling of satisfied acceptance that your idea is going to be huge, and amazing, and the tiny state that it is in is but a developing stage on the way to becoming huge and amazing.  Only from the act of creation can you recognize something for the beauty that it represents.
Today I made a bracelet. Look. 
It’s simple, plain, and I probably would not pay $1.00 for it on the street.  But I made it, and that’s why it’s different than the one on the street that I could have passed thinking it worth less than $1.00. 

Maybe that's why people like to believe in creation stories.  Because if there was deliberation, thought, and care (by someone, anyone) that was put into the existence of everything we find beautiful, we feel justified in finding it beautiful.  How devastating to ever have to realize that everything you tried to find beauty in, truly has no beauty or purpose and that it was all in your mind?  But then again, does it matter if it was all in your own mind? Most everything is.  That's why objectively, the small business owner is less successful than the corporation inheritor.  Yet the fact remains, the satisfaction and joy comes from the act of creation, and not the act of perpetuating something you do not believe in.  I don't know, but today's happiness is finding joy in creation, no matter how small.  

Expose #1 : The Environmental Kids by MGMT

6:55 PM 0 Comments A+ a-

I've decided to begin actively writing essays.  Now, before you vomit from your own memories of writing essays in school, I will give you a fun fact: "Essay" means an "attempt or effort."  Very interesting no?  Breathe easy.  My essays will simply be attempts to think critically about... well, anything at all really.  Some things that maybe need not be too deeply thought about, and some things that perhaps may need more attention than I will give it.  Either way, it is an exercise in writing, communication, and concision.

Care to join me?

The Environmental Kids by MGMT
    We have all heard the catchy song Kids by MGMT.  The lyrics are easy enough to memorize and sing along with, however there is a serious note of lament for the carelessness in the way the earth is regarded.  Along with the bittersweet tones undercutting the sad thoughts about what has happened, and what almost was, there is a caveat to change your behavior: "Control yourself.  Take only what you need from it."
    The song begins by calling to mind being a child.  You were headed to a bright future "makin' mama so proud."  But something was wrong, "your voice was too loud."  This could mean a few different things.  Perhaps you were growing up and as you began to realize the damage that was being done to the environment, you protested, stirring up trouble, and so "your voice was too loud" for those who were doing the damage.  Another interpretation could be that you were on your way to success and making your parents proud but along the way, you became part of the problem.  The damage that you caused was so great that in this manner, "your voice was too loud" and your detrimental impact too great on the earth.  Finally, there is the understanding that "you" refers to society as a whole.  Our "voice," which represents our desires and hopes, is too loud.  We want too much, and we are only able to crawl.  In this sense, it is implied that we don't even have enough power to stand and take responsibility for our actions and yet we cry and cry for more.
     In the second stanza, it is difficult to understand who is the "we" that "likes to watch you laughing."  It could be referring to Nature because it is so giving and so complementary to human life, it can be said that Nature likes to see us happy.  Evidently, we do not share the same sentiment.  On the other hand, "We" could mean the rest of society, yet again.  Society is happy when you are happy, and truthfully, the only way to really be happy in the midst of such environmental degradation, is to be ignorant of it.  Therefore it can be understood that society needs the ignorance of those within it to continue on progressing the way that it is.  You, as an individual, "pick the insects off plants. / No time to think of consequences."  This is the very "present" mindedness that is causing such destruction.  There is no time to think of the damage or what will happen in the future.  It is enough to have what we want right now.  Usually in the real world, there really is no time to think of consequences when there is only a one-tracked mind toward profit and the "right now."
     This state of comfort in the "right now"cannot last.  "The water is warm," because you have everything you want and it is perfect.  But this is not the end of it: "[the water] is sending [you] shivers."  The comfort is not sustainable and there is a foreshadowing of a dismal and cold future ahead.  Even more importantly, the foreshadowing is sent by the water itself.  It is sending the message that this state of consumption for comfort, without thought for what will come, cannot and will not last.  There is "A family of trees wantin', / To be haunted," because at least people do not like to go into haunted forests.  At least as a haunted forest, the family of trees had a better chance for survival.  These two ideas introduce a very different view of Nature.  It personifies elements of nature as being sentient and aware: the water is "sending" a message, the trees "want" to be haunted.  This challenges the way nature is viewed right now- as something which cannot feel and is not alive, that is outside of ourselves and meant to be used.  Such a mentality is what resulted in the destruction that is occurring now.  "A baby is born, / crying out for attention." The environmental problems are coming to light and they need to be addressed.  They need your attention. Perhaps the baby is meant to symbolize a budding consciousness, a worrying, that is surfacing in your mind, but regardless, it needs attention.  The comfort of today will only be a faded memory and if we continue the way we are, they will be unclear like a fogged mirror, as we look back from a worse future version of earth.  The benefit of the memory that will come out of today is not worth the cost to the future.
     The climax of the message is then revealed: "Decision to decisions are made and not bought / But I thought, / this wouldn't hurt a lot. / I guess not."  The choice is being made and you cannot pay to fix it later.  The mistakes that you make out of ignorance, believing that it wouldn't be that bad, will not be fixable with money once the damage is done.  You thought it wouldn't hurt the earth a lot.  You thought it wouldn't hurt you a lot.  You were wrong.  There are decisions being made to cause irreparable damage and neither ignorance nor a blind eye will help you later. Take a hint.

"Control yourself.  Take only what you need from it."



General update for my reader(s)

4:47 PM 0 Comments A+ a-

So I'm getting the hang of this thing I think.  This blogging thing, I mean.  For instance, I will have to go back on what I said a while back and make separate posts for each and every category because now that I've added my tag list on the left side.. observe:

<------------

it will be much easier for those who only want to read about specific bucket list progress.

On that note: there is no progress. Sadly, I have come to a stop for a while, but hopefully today I will pick all that back up and keep going with this blogging business.

Challenge postponement

4:18 PM 1 Comments A+ a-

The Challenge Master has granted a raincheck for the week as finals continue to bulldoze my life into scattered bits of broken scheduling.  For the record, what would have been Challenge 4 has been received, but unfulfilled:

Teach one person one skill
- Skill can be physical or otherwise
- Person must have full mastery of the skill
- Difficulty level: 2/5

Will this challenge be reused?  It remains to be seen as the decision rests with the CM.

Until then..

Happiness #15 : Daydreams and Tea

4:07 PM 2 Comments A+ a-

Today I have had this strange recurring daydream about traveling to England.  Two things. 1) I usually don't daydream: I actually dream, and by that I mean I'm usually unconscious in a state of sleeping and not wake-sleeping, if you know what I mean.  2) I have never really wanted to go to England before.  Seriously, I may be a strange one compared to many, but I have honestly never wanted to visit England, or France for that matter.  Mostly because I feel as though those countries are a little too.... how should I put this delicately?... they're a bit too "white" for me.  I always felt as if I would get there and feel like I was still in America but surrounded by people who speak English strangely, if at all.

And yet.  Today despite my multiple freak-outs and first-time computer crash where data was not retrievable, I found myself randomly interrupted with thoughts of traveling to England.  It must have something to do with two of my classes revolving around British Literature and Modern Poetry in America influenced by British poets.  However I could just be very tired and as such, highly susceptible to poisonous thoughts.  If that is so, perhaps I need to go back to dreaming, and not daydreaming.

Taking a moment to calm down, have a freakishly large cup of tea, and breath in for a moment while I type away my thoughts, is undoubtedly my moment of happiness for the day.  I only wish I had some sunlight streaming in, but alas, the scent of cinnamon floating up from my mug will have to suffice.

Fail, and Fail again

10:16 PM 0 Comments A+ a-

Happiness #14 : Speculation
Today I had a very nice chat with someone very important to me, and it was really nice to speculate about things.  Nothing serious, really.  Just think about things that were and that could be... That was definitely the highlight of my day today.

On the other hand of speculation, I've got a few very sinister speculations of the global kind.  Today, just a few hours ago in fact, it was announced that Osama bin Laden is finally dead.  It was reported that he was killed by a special force of U.S. military, ordered by the president based on information from counter terrorism intelligence obtained by the U.S. and Pakistan.  President Obama made a really touching speech but I must say, I have my doubts.  Gut instinct tells me that it was not the U.S. that actually killed bin Laden, or it was not the U.S. that found the evidence to track down where he was hiding.  The killing of bin Laden comes at an extremely convenient time when the president must make great strides to justify his re-election, and a critical time to send a message to the American citizens that anti-governmental sentiments are wrong because see! it truly is good for something: all those hundreds of thousands of dollars lives were not spent in vain.  It is also a critical time to send a message to all of those thinking to oppose American power, i.e. Gaddafi for one, to consider what happens to those who challenge America, even if the punishment comes late.

My harsh judgement is this: It is embarrassing to see the American people, especially college students who very apparently have very little idea about what is actually going on, cheering in front of the White House and celebrating as if it were the end of the war.  Because it is not.  And really, where is the sense of decorum, because seriously, the world is watching.  In fact, while I think that America deserves a conclusion to the horror that was Osama bin Laden and his cruel and violent plots, I do not think it is a cause for celebration. What has changed?  Is Al Qaeda now just going to disappear?  Is there suddenly clarity about what is going on?  Will our men finally come home because there is no pretense of needing to be in a hostile country in order to "search for and sniff out" this man?  No, nothing has changed.  Al Qaeda is still there and now, mourning somebody who to them, was a hero.  Al Qaeda is most likely even more justified, in their minds, to strike back because America has murdered a man who was extremely successful, and the exemplar of a true and noble jihadist for a holy cause.  Will there be a counter-attack- a backlash?  Our troops should not even be in Afghanistan still in order for an immediate backlash to be possible.  If anything at all, the death of Osama bin Laden is a cause for closure and relief for the families of his victims, and a solemn moment of introspection for what the future holds in the lives of the American people- one that comes a little too late.

Finally, I believe it is a grave insult and injustice for the president to have included in his speech, calls for sentimentality bringing up imagery of "families who suffer the pain of seeing the empty seat at the dinner table" and the "3000 senseless deaths" that occurred at the hands of bin Laden.  For, not only does the number 3000 not include the men who were killed in order to avenge those deaths (by order of Bush and later the current president himself), but it does not include the thousands upon thousands of deaths suffered by the Afghani civilians and Iraqi civilians at the hands of the U.S. in order to get to this celebratory? monumental? Historic? sobering day.  How many families, in those other countries, who do not have white faces or speak English, must suffer the pain of empty seats at their dinner tables?  Or is that a pain only American families can feel?  What is the true number of senseless deaths, military and civilian alike, which we were told was necessary to bring this one man down? And how much of those were caused by the call for "liberty and justice" as prescribed by the U.S.?  How much of the total money, time, and emotional trauma caused by the September 11 attacks were appropriated not by Al Qaeda, but by the U.S.?  Why are our troops still abroad perpetuating the terror? These celebratory young people should attempt to answer these questions and reflect on the actual implications of the words "Osama bin Laden is Dead," before waving around the American flag in the faces of those who were stomped on, beat, and killed by men wearing that same flag.  Because in another country, to another family, the U.S. is a country of terror and America is a word to fear.

** update: (May 2) **
Apparently I'm not the only one thinking that the American government is slipping up on their deception execution. I read a brief article from another skeptic who has similar thoughts:

"No doubt President Obama is in desperate need of a victory. He committed the fool’s error of restarting the war in Afghanistan, and now after a decade of fighting the US faces stalemate, if not defeat. The wars of the Bush/Obama regimes have bankrupted the US, leaving huge deficits and a declining dollar in their wake. And re-election time is approaching." - Paul Craig Roberts

Now that the curtains have been dropped on the ten-year production of "Osama bin Laden: America's enemy #1" it's looking like the final Act is only a spectacular staging of the U.S. government's "unlimited belief in the gullibility" of its citizens. And if the scenes in Times Square and WTC were any indications, the score says: government = 1, dumb citizens = 0. Fail, and fail again indeed.

Challenge #3 : Abrasive failure
My challenge today was extremely difficult for one with colorful language such as myself.  For it was this:
Do not use abrasive language for today's entire 24 hours
-Even one word would mean the failure of the challenge
-No place or situation serves as immunity
-Difficulty level: 2/5 (but in actuality it is more like 9/5)

So this morning, I had to work at 8 am with some very colorfully languaged individuals like myself.  I lasted all of one hour and fifty minutes.  Approximately 9:50 am was my first slip and until then, I had successfully refrained from usage by consciously choosing my words, however in a moment of incredulity a little one slipped out and BOOM! challenge OVER. FAIL. DONE. K.O. yup....

and that's the way the cookie crumbles.  Another day, I shall be challenged again, and then I will prevail.  However today, total failure.  I am ashamed.  However to my credit, the conscientious language censor stayed with me and I swore about one tenth of my average.  Woot woot?  Well, not quite.