Politics and stuff

Happiness #13 : The ability to abstain
Today an old acquaintance came into my workplace and as is usual of their highly irritating habit, they began loudly showcasing how much they know about past and current political affairs drawing the eyes of those who were hearing such passionate statements being made in a seemingly intelligent manner.  Hmm... sounds like... well, me.

HOWEVER! I am proud to announce that today, it was NOT me! and furthermore, I am proud to announce that while I asked a few very general surface questions, I did not ignite and I did not provide the opposing team of what could have been a very controversial, frustrating, and offensive scrimmage.  Usually all of the debates I enter, which is usually ALL the debates I am presented with, end that way.

Perhaps I am giving myself too much credit, because when this individual comes along, I cannot deny that I am vehemently repelled by their didactic more-knowledgable-than-thou method of delivering their information, and I very rarely involve myself in a discussion with said individual.  So perhaps I was just exercising my usual approach to this person.  And yet, I'd rather like to believe that I am becoming more adept at.... how do they say.... "picking my battles."

Instead, I clearly took the "I would like to abstain, thank you" stance, looked over at my co-worker and proceeded to joke inanely about being "swole," making faces, and laughing about how certain supposedly intelligent people were making the most ridiculous and ignorant comments.  For me, I think it was a crisis averted. Score: me = 1, political frustration resulting in aggression and anger = 0.

Challenge #2 : Good Samaritan
Super easy challenge.  "Solve one person's problem today."  Well, I went to work with that challenge in mind and I asked around... luckily, nobody wanted to take up my offer and open an ugly can of worms.  For that I am SO so grateful because while I never cringe from a friend who wants to open up, I don't know if my somewhat meh mood was up to the challenge of listening to somebody whine and whine.  And usually serious life issues... well, not really serious, but "dire" and dramatic life issues, cannot be resolved within a 6 hour time frame, so it all worked in my favor.  But then, as I walked home from work, I realized I had yet to resolve an issue for somebody and there was nobody that I was going to see for the rest of the night except for my roommate.

Uh-oh.  Let me just say this: my roommate's greatest tragedies in life consist of very few things.
1) He's broke, or broke relative to how much he would LIKE to have, which is millions, meaning he'll always think he's broke until he hits it BIG;
2) A girl is... and this other girl is... I don't know, because there's this other girl who's really cute.... I just want to be her friend... and that one girl thinks.... and yada yada yada;
3) I'm hungry / I'm so fuckin' tired...
and considering I am beyond the point of broke even more than HIS point of brokeness, I can't really do much for him there.  I mean who has millions just laying aside.... and I have tried and tried to help him through his female calamities, but unless I just switch off his brain and pull a wire, that issue is unlikely to be resolved until his testosterone drops below female and even then it's questionable whether his women dilemmas will be over. and I'm not his cook, nor his bed so that sucks for him.

What's a girl to do?! 'Lo and behold. SURPRISE!! at home then, my darling roommate surprises me with a NEW issue that must be resolved! This is my chance- wooot wooot!! What is it you ask? Well, it's not the most impressive issue to resolve, however our kitchen trash had been gathering and gathering for almost two weeks and it was not only smelling up a dead body, but it was overflowing into a sidekick trash bin.  As he was cooking and needing to fill up the trash bin all over again, he told me that I could resolve his issue by taking out the trash while he cooked his food.  Quite a gender role reversal if I may say so myself, however I was ever too happy to complete my challenge and call it a night! Don't think it was easy! I'm just glad I didn't have rotten fluid mix from two weeks worth of food leaking onto my foot! Blech.

Challenge complete! Next?

Recipes #1, 2, & 3 : 
Tempeh Macaroni and Cheese, Quinoa Burgers, Vegetable Tian
I have chosen the first three recipes that I will try.  Now I have had to pare down the recipes to try due to my new animal-conscious and environmentally friendly outlook on meat.  I am stuck in the middle between wanting to stay healthy and consuming good proteins, and wanting to be less morally reprehensible and less anthropocentrically minded.  However, I have come to a few recipes to begin working on other aspects of my bucketlist to jumpstart my life as it is a bit mundane and I am fundamentally and absolutely against mundanity.

photo taken from thehazelbloom.com

The first recipe is the Macaroni and Cheese that I am adding tempeh to given that I can actually find tempeh.  If I can find grass-fed free range beef then I will try to use that in the Mac but it will depend on availability and price.  I will be making tweaks as I go along because I can see that it will be extremely fatty, but I have been craving Mac and Cheese for weeks now. The image is just a photo  without the tempeh... but doesn't it look so good??

photo taken from Linda at eatingwelllivingthin.wordpress.com

The second recipe is something I am really stoked about: QUINOA BURGERS!! Take the golden food and turn it into something super yummy, easy to store, and reheat and I'm sold!
Just look how yummy it looks!
I cannot wait to try it and believe me I'll let you know all about how scrumptious it is!

photo taken from Pam at fortheloveofcooking-recipes.blogspot.com

And this final recipe kind of looks like ratatouille, right?  It is called Vegetable Tian and it's extremely healthy with nothing but vegetables with a bit of cheese thrown on top.  Truthfully though, I don't think the cheese will be necessary. I was thinking I might put a bit of tomato sauce or something else on top.  I'll have to see.

Recipe links and my own photos will be coming soon I think... I can't wait to start cooking... whenever will I finish everything else??  Ahh.. but that's what keeps life interesting right?

Showers

Happiness #12 : Prerequisite to Life

So I've discovered a bit belatedly in my life, I should never be allowed to speak to anyone or try to accomplish anything until I have had a shower.  Something about bathing just picks up my mood and after having been a cranky depressy pants all morning/afternoon today, I finally took a shower and felt infinitely better.  I can't say I was feeling HAPPY per se since by that point I was so down that at best, the shower just put me back to neutral.  However, the logical conclusion must then be: wake up = neutral + shower = happy > wake up = neutral + (-1) shower = poopy day.  I'm glad I've discovered this today because this will prevent future obstacles of being bummed about my life, which ultimately leads to being bummed about my future, which then ultimately leads to questioning what is the point of it all, which sucks and is completely unproductive. Agreed?

So, stay away from me pre-shower if you value your happiness as not only will I most likely smell, and be fairly unpleasant to look at, but I will be in dire need of attention and some serious cheering up... which nobody should really be subjected to for no other reason than that I haven't bathed yet...

Sorry for putting you in that situation...

Challenge #1 : Call an unpleasant memory

I called a person, who I was not very friendly with last year, rather spontaneously.  It was presented to me as a challenge this afternoon and of course I welcome a good challenge as often as I can.  Now despite the harsh feelings that we had had toward each other, I must say I am rather surprised at how simple it was to just have a pleasant conversation and forget the sentiments of the past.  Yes, my heart was thumping as I heard the phone ring - I didn't know how he would respond should he actually pick up at all.  After all, it's not as if my number was saved in his phone. I didn't know if I would just end up pissed off and annoyed as I always was... But more importantly I didn't know if he would be creeped out, or annoyed, or baffled, or what, and when he actually answered, it was strange asking if it was who I thought it was when I could already tell by his voice and demeanor that it is in fact, exactly who I thought it was.  And it was even stranger having to announce myself as if I was re-introducing myself to a stranger but with the inclusion of a context to jog the memory that isn't exactly a pleasant remembrance.  But he took it very well and was very pleasant and civil and it was so nice just to be able to laugh and say, "Look, I know we weren't the best of friends, and wasn't it kind of fun to have someone to vilify for a while?  Life's no fun without someone to hate once in a while, right?  But it's good to hear you're doing well now.  I mean it." And I did.  And I still do.  No matter what the history is, there is something so relieving and satisfying to hear that somebody is doing good and that their life is going well.  Not only that it is something else to be able to say, "No hard feelings." and actually have no hard feelings. Truly.

Timed Friends

Happiness #11 : Friends who arrive on cue

Today I sent in a job application.  Like a real people job application.  Can I say I'm happy about it? Well that's questionable...

Instead, let's see: Today I made it to all of my classes.  Had fruitful discussions.  Got out of my second class early and on my way home I ran into a friend I met two years ago.  Now talk about chance!  Two years ago we had barely anything in common other than our love of laughing at my ridiculous antics, and our summer calc class.  Today, I see her for the first time in years out of nowhere sitting at a cafe and luckily, we didn't have one of those "nod and acknowledge that we know each other but don't actually like each other enough to really meet up and catch up" situations.  Both of us being incredibly bubbly it went something like this: I spot her.  I point through the window very near to her face.  She glances up to see what is invading her peripheral vision.  Recognition.  Surprise.  Gladness. "Come Inside!" gesture.  I go inside. We softly shriek a bit and hug.  And it's like we're back in summer calc....  It was absolutely beautiful.  And what's more, we are both in a similar place in our lives with regards to dealing with how to reconcile keeping important people in our lives vs. following what feels like destiny.  Two years later, we are more alike than we could have ever foreseen, and two years later we spot each other, one month before we will likely never see each other again, and give each other the very unbiased solace that we've been trying desperately not to ask for.

And then the rest of the day.  I guess the job application has a little less priority in my happiness count.  If I get the job, then it can take priority over EVERYTHING else... but that's for another day.

Books update:
And can I just say, I've been reading a ridiculous amount of STUFF for all of my classes and NONE of it can be crossed off my Ultimate Reading List.  Lame.  But soon enough!!! If you can only imagine, I'm squealing a little inside at the prospect of reading for hours and hours and hours... without a paper due at the end of it!!!

Lentil soup

Happiness #10 : Everything

I really have much to be happy about today.  First of all, I am trying lentil soup for the first time right now and it is DELICIOUS!  After watching Earthlings, I have tried to be very conscious of my meat source and it is proving to be difficult.  However I am realistic and I know that time is a very real factor so I have promised myself not to be too critical if I eat meat that I am pretty sure is from agribusiness induced torture. But I will limit that to once or twice a week at most, and remember to be very aware of what suffering went into my enjoyment of a mere meal.

Imagine my joy when I have now found a very nutritious and delicious source of sustenance!! Of course being the creature of anti-habit that I am, I won't be able to eat this every day, but lentil soup is now on my "yes please, I'll have some of that, thank you" list.

Also, today I am happy about sleep. To me, sleep is the ultimate cure for everything.  Today in particular, sleep was indubitably my cure for the ridiculous headache that was plaguing me all last night.

What else? My super productivity is something else to be happy about. Chug chug chugging along and takin' care of business~ wooohooo!!

And it was sunny today, very sunny. And my coffee was delicious today, especially as the first cup in several days. And everything else. I was right, today was definitely a better day than yesterday~

On to tomorrow! Any better and I'll explode!! :)  Optimistic much? Yeah, yeah.

Meh...

Ok, so I think I'll have to pass on the happiness post today.  Not that today wasn't a happy day, but I'm settling in with a headache, strange feeling in my stomach, and too much to do with no desire to do them.  I think today is better left as a kind of "meh" day.  There's nothing wrong with that....

Actually no, this is the point of writing this blog.  I have to actively find one good thing about today.  Well then, today the weather was phenomenal outside.  It felt like summer without the humidity that usually settles in the city.  I wore shorts, and felt only slightly self conscious about my legs.  So there. Happiness number 10, is it? Well I still think I won't count it as an official post...

Tomorrow will be awesome! I'm sure of it.

Reality Check

Happiness #9 : Information

Susit

Happiness #8
Today, I had an awesome day.  Nothing major, but keeping in mind a new quote: "Wake up every day with the thought that something wonderful is about to happen," I woke up, and happily made my way to work.  The sun was shining, the humidity was up, my coffee was mediocre, but I could feel my old self coming back.... the old self that was able to keep up the energy and turn everything into a fruitful use of time.  Mind you, fruitful doesn't necessarily mean "productive" but definitely enjoyable and memorable.

Working a double shift for ten hours gives you some time to think and discuss.... everything.  I had great probing discussions of what it means to be "tolerant" versus "respectful." The nature of reality- is it an absolute objective world or is it varied depending on the person? We questioned "what is the point of art?" not in terms of "what function does it serve in the universe" but more as "why do we look at art at all? what do we hope to accomplish or gain? what do we actually accomplish or gain?"  We questioned if it is ever possible to "know" an objective and truly factual history (we decided not really)...  And then I invented a new game.

My game is called "Susit" and yes, I very egotistically named it after myself... in a way.  It is a turrets syndrome inducing kind of game and it was literally the most uninhibited fun I have had in a very very long time.  I don't think I laughed so uncontrollably in quite some while.  There is no actual point or objective- as is the case with every awesome game in history.  Basically we shout out code words for all of the relevant colors that we can spot on every patron that walks by the designated area (the lobby right in front of the desk we sit at for hours), and you get a point for calling out the code before anybody else. Once a code has been called, nobody else can get a point from it, and there are as many points available as there are colors that are uncalled.  Ok, so these are the codes:

Blue = meatloaf
Red = salmon
Green = apple
Purple = eggplant
White = ice cream
Black = cheesecake
Grey = fruit loops
Yellow = pizza
Orange = turkey
Pink = mango
Brown = taco

Somebody who walks in wearing a black shirt, blue and white shoes, red shorts with yellow emblems on the side, with a water bottle that has a green top is met with three random employees shouting: MEATLOAF! CHEESECAKEAPPLEPIZZA! MANGO, SHIT, I MEAN ICE CREAM!! .... OOH SALMON!! YES I GOT THAT ONE!!! and so on.  Needless to say, it was incredibly amusing, both for our stress levels increasing as we tried to remember what word correlates with which color, and for the reactions from some of the patrons who were completely at a loss as to why food words were being screamed at them as their attire is being scrutinized and pointed at...  Some even responded with comments like, "Actually ice cream sounds sooooo good right now!"

At the end, I won with 133 points, my friend with 88, and my other friend with 115.  Baller!  They claim that I had an unfair advantage as the game was my own brain child but I will say this: One of them had the list of color/codes in front of them the whole time, and the other sat at the best vantage point to see people coming both in and out of the lobby.  AND they were just being poor losers since they helped me develop the game anyway.... I WIN! hehehehehehe.

The only problem is... I didn't actually accomplish much in terms of work that I need to finish by deadlines.... {sigh} but was it worth it? Definitely every minute of it, because I walk away from today and step into tomorrow as happy as a little clam :)

Happiness #7 : Happifying

Today is only one week into my 100 day effort to teach myself happiness.

I am grateful for the ridiculous set of circumstances that pushed me so far as to realize that I need to do this for myself.  I am grateful for having pushed along and stuck with it past the first day.  And mostly, I am grateful for the fact that it's working.  Placebo effect? Maybe.  Does it matter if it is? No.

I'm really happy today.  Really just ok with joking, seriousness, laziness, inspiration, and everything else that made up my day.  If happiness is a filter that skews my objectivity with regards to my circumstance and situation, I'm ok with screwy lenses.  At least it's not disappointment or depression.  I think that means I'm doing pretty alright~  All I can say is, if I keep going on this track, by day 100 I'll be sky high and completely retarded with joy... but like I said, I'm ok with that.

On a side note: I've realized that it's going to be fairly difficult and overwhelming to have separate posts regarding all the various aspects of my bucketlist, especially once I start on some of the other projects.  So, I'll be making one post with subheadings regarding the different projects on my list.  Woot woot for economizing!

The Ultimate Reading List

Alright, so as I have promised, here is my list of books to read by my twenty-fifth year.

But first, a little backstory.  How did I come up with this list?  Well..... while I'd like to say that I'm just really knowledgable in the literary world, in fact it was a little more cut-and-paste action, and a lot less contemplative production.  I went online and searched for five different "Top 100 novels/books" lists.  Three were on popular civilian web forums created by avid readers.  Two were by publishing companies who had compiled the lists based on their critics. Copy, paste, remove duplicates, remove obvious typos and brain spasm choices ("Twilight series, "Harry Potter series," etc.), and viola! Thus, a list is created of some two hundred and sixty books of classic literature, dramatic novels, science fiction, romance, and popular fiction. While I won't be adding any new novels to this particular list, suggestions are always welcome for the list to read during years twenty-five to thirty!

Look it over, and see if you're up to the challenge! This is to be an evolving list that I will keep coming back to so don't freak out if it looks different once in a while.  I'll be keeping track of those I finish as I read through this list, and hopefully I'll eventually be inspired to review them... Enjoy~

Happiness #6 : Smooshing

Today I had an amazing day.  Nothing special happened at all except that I woke up later than I originally wanted, but felt really good about it.  Then I went to work a double shift at work.  No conflict today.  No arguments or intense debates instigated.  I just got to sit back and relax with a few friends.  I had forgotten what it felt like to just "hang out" and not be so wrapped up in seriousness.

Aside from that, little things kept me up, like seeing friends I hadn't seen in a while.  Like having different people bring me tons of random food.  Like sharing stories with people, recalling good memories.  Like not having the mental crash that usually intrudes during the middle of a double shift.  Like vandalizing friends' IDs and generally just goofing around.  Minus one strange instance where there was a miscommunication of jokes, today was an unusually great day of smooshing; food, people, stories, and goofing.

All in all, it was just a regular day.  And that makes it so much better than so many other kinds of days~

Happiness #5 : Class

Today I am happy to report that I truly will miss being in school.  Anybody who knows anything about me will probably never believe that I feel this way but it's true.  I am terrified that I will never have a forum to discuss all of the thought-diarrhea floating around in my head and receive such a range of commentary.  While I scoff at those who I secretly believe to be intellectually inferior to me (yeah yeah I'm a bitch, whatever) in reality, it's those who pose such ridiculous oppositions that allow me creatively challenge myself and my own ideals.  The dumber and more creative their views are, the more I get to explore and discover how I actually feel about my stance on the subject.

Weird thought, I will actually come away with more respect for those I believed to be absurd for their opposing views, than for those who were good conversation because they were easily swayed.... At least the dumb ones had conviction.

Is this a happy thought? I guess it's sort of bittersweet.  But it's better than what I thought would happen, which is that I would walk away from four years in this institution with nothing to be sad about.  I feel that tossing $200,000 aside should come with SOME sense of loss other than the monetary gouging!

Happiness #4 : Balancing Test

Today, I am just so happy that I have not done anything in my life to make me ashamed of myself.

Despite many things I am not proud of, despite the relationships and friends I have treated carelessly, more so than they ever deserved, I trust that I had to go through all of that to be who I am today.  I trust that me then made the right decisions for me today.  For all of that, I have no regrets.

"May the bridges I burn light the way."

I promise myself to never let my passion burn out, and that is how I will be sure to never live with any regrets.  If some are burned along the way, so be it.  But the few that stay will have my love and devotion for all of my life.  And that has to be good enough.  In a balancing test between my pursuit of happiness and somebody else's feelings, there can only be one outcome that won't result in eventual resentment... and I'm not ashamed to say it.

I only hope I have the will to remain honest no matter how hard it becomes to be so, otherwise nothing will have been worth it.

"If I fall, if I die, know I lived it to the fullest,
If i fall, if I die, know I lived and missed some bullets,
I'm on the pursuit of happiness and I know,
everything that shine ain't always gonna be gold,
I'll be fine once I get it, I'll be good..."

Happiness #3 : Perspection

Today, I am grateful to be reminded of perspection.  Again with a non-word.  I think it works.  It's short for perspective inspection.  What does it mean?  It is a reality check of sorts, but self inspired like pinching yourself- not like being jolted by a traumatic rude awakening from the world.

Perspection is so necessary, all the time, and yet it's so easy to get caught up in your own outlook on the world and everyone in it.  And how can you not? After all, you only have your two eyes to see out of, and your one brain to process things with, it's a wonder people are able to alter their perspective, ever.  What happened today? Nothing really, but it's amazing how you can get so wrapped up in an emotion and yet a small shift in perspective can dispel all of the emotion you felt, just like a snap.

People are just people.  Worse, people are celebrities in their own lives, and like all celebrities, sometimes they are  completely incorrigible and horrid.  But then perspection kicks in and you remember, people are just people and that's really it.  I can't expect everyone to care about everything, or care about anything for that matter.  I can't expect cops to always be nice, and teachers to always be understanding, and friends to always be there.  Because sadly, people can only be people and that's not necessarily a compliment.

But here's the upside.  Since people are merely people, it gives me a chance to be spectacular, even if only in my own life, and that is definitely doable for me.

Note to self: remember to perspect(?) perspectigate(?) whatever the verb is.... and be glad you can~

Happiness #2 : Bibliophile

Today it is simple.  Perhaps too simple.  I am so so grateful that I love reading books.  I cannot imagine a life without reading.

I love the look of books: they are more attractive to me than any Brad Pitt or Johnny Depp.
I love the smell of books: they are more fragrant than the pavement after a rainstorm or the most memorable cologne
I love the weight of books: they are the perfect weight for comfort, the perfect weight for familiarity and intimacy
I love the sound of books: they are the voice of magic as it goes whooshing past in a flutter of pages through countless hours until daybreak

Today, I am happy to think of the library I hope to have one day. I can't explain how many times I have imagined my dream home where the only room I actually think through in any form of detail is my library full of the books that I have read.  Sometimes there is a secret entrance.  Sometimes, it is a place separate from the actual house.  Sometimes it is full of sunlight with floor to ceiling windows.  Sometimes there's a slide that leads to the pool.  Always, I am in the room lovingly looking at my most prized possessions in life, knowing I don't have to go far to escape to a better world.  Whatever my library looks like, nothing can lessen the value of being let into the private mind of the greatest thinkers who have ever been alive.

>>>> June 26, 2013
perusing my older posts I just wanted to add a little something that fits right in with this love of mine:

I'm so glad I'm not the only one... Let's find each other :)

Happiness #1 : Unexpectation

Today, I have learned the power of unexpectation.  Not a word you say?  Ah, you have much to learn I see, for everyone has surely entered the state of unexpectation.

Unexpectation is the state of believing that you no longer have any expectations of anybody anymore.  That sounds super negative, so how is this a post of "happiness??" you ask.  Today, I have learned that unexpectation is nothing but a hidden gift.  Only when you are full of unexpectation can you truly see the worth of those who shine through and restore your trust in humanity.

In the past few weeks, I have slowly, and sometimes explosively, lost faith in many of those I believed to matter to me.  Matter not in the sense that they are essential to my life, but matter because the reciprocal relationship that they and I share is essential to my happiness.  I have become forced to realize that so many of the relationships in which I have surrounded myself were only functional because I placed my trust in others somewhat misguidedly.  I believed that I was happily giving my energy and compassion to those who would happily return the favor had I ever cause to need them.  From this belief came my sense of invincibility when it came to my friendships.  Again, I was misguided in placing my trust.

The reality has set in that many of the relationships were sustainable because I never needed the others; they are actually unable to step out of their own problems and take the role of the listener for a change.  In my past, this realization would eventually hit with many of the people in my life and I would proceed to cut them out of it.  I regarded them as a cancerous presence and completely poisonous to my well-being.  The anger would overwhelm me and my feelings toward them would eventually drift into a sleeping bitterness that only arose when pried awake by an inquisitive prod.

I am happy to report that I no longer deal with these people in that fashion- or so I like to believe.  Now when disillusion finally hits, as it always must, I let the anger subside into indifference because I don't want them to change; frankly, I don't care.  It has absolutely no effect on the reality that I no longer trust them to matter in my life whether they change or not.  Who am I to demand any more?  So instead, I demand that I do not give them the energy to care.  The result is that I do not feel betrayed and deceived anymore.  But strangely enough, when I withdraw my unrequited interest in their lives, many of these people feel betrayed by me, with good reason I admit.  For, from their perspective, they have not changed anything about themselves and yet I have become withdrawn and distanced.  What kind of horrible friend am I anyway?  I completely understand the confusion, but the truth is, by that point I have little to zero will or desire to care...

Now back to "unexpectation."  In my mental frame of unexpectation, I have been hit with a sort of cannonball from another dimension, literally making me think "What the f#*@ is going on?!"  Two very unexpected people have unwittingly risen to the occasion and have given me reason to pause before dotting the i's and crossing the t's on my write-off of the rest of humanity.  Yes.  It's pretty dramatic, and possibly life-altering.

Because of the misery and pessimistic hate that inevitably comes along with "Unexpectation," the discovery of trustworthy people have changed everything.  I have found two rare people who now have my trust until I am comatose or no longer alive.  Yes, they will disappoint me some time.  Yes, they will piss me off beyond sanity.  No, they are not perfect nor angelic. But all of this can be forgiven because they have proven to be human beyond self-centered consciousness.  These people deserve the respect that comes from expectation, the honor that comes from expectation, and the unmeasurable gratitude for coming through for somebody in a moment that could have changed the very nature of their being.

Today, I am happy because I know there are people out there who deserve my trust, energy and compassion.

The Bucket List....

I am changing the nature of this blog. Whatever it was, is no longer.